Ramblings of a Drifter

Viggo!

2006-03-06T17:01:00.000+11:00

I always have an obsession with older guy. and cleft chin. When my friends were busily falling in love with Legolas in LOTR, I was stalking Elrond (Elrond! not Hugo Weaving or Agent Smith ok). Now, two years after ROTK premiere, I found myself falling in love with Viggo (the scruffy ranger). Not Aragon or Walker Jerome or Frank Hopkin or David Shaw (this is more like falling in lust!). I like the image he presented to the world. I like the fact that he could lie in an interview and told the next interviewer that he did that because he was bored. This is the guy who practically get away with anything cause he is who he is. The fact that he's drop dead gorgeous, established photographer, write poetry and own a left wing publishing house keep my interest intact for almost a year now. And he doesn't parade his personal life. And he's old (48 this yr). I always like old guys! and Buckethead like him! I figure he might be one hell of a character if Buckethead could like him.

ps: If you don't know who Buckethead is.. just google his name. Malas nak explain.

Found this on the net.. don't know why but it strike something in my heart..

2005-11-21T19:03:00.000+11:00

COMMUNION

1.
WE'VE LEFT SHORE SOMEHOW
BECOME THE FRIENDS
OF EARLY THEORY
CLOSE ENOUGH TO SPEAK
DESIRE AND PAIN OF ABSENCE
OF MISTAKES WE'D MAKE
GIVEN THE CHANCE.

EACH SMILE RETURNED
MAKES HARDER AVOIDING
DREAMS THAT SEE US
LYING IN EARLY EVENING
CURTAIN SHADOWS, SKIN
SAFE AGAINST SKIN.
BLOOM OF COMPASSION
RESPECT FOR MOMENTS
EYES LOCK TURNS
FOREVER INTO ONE MORE
VEIL THAT FALLS AWAY.

2.
THIS AFTER SEEING YOU
LAST NIGHT, FIRST TIME
SMELLING YOU WITH
PERMISSION: SHOULDERS TO
WONDER OPENLY AT
AS CAREFULLY KISSED
AS THOSE ARMS
WAITED IMPOSSIBLY ON.
THEY'VE HELD ME NOW
AND YOUR BREATH
DOWN MY BACK
SENT AWAY NIGHT AIR
THAT HAD ME SHAKING
IN THE UNLIT ANGLICAN
DOORWAY.

3.
ARE WE RUINED FOR
FINDING OUR FACES FIT
AND WANT TO KNOW MORE
ABOUT MORNING? IS
FRIENDSHIP CANCELLED
IF WE CAN'T CALL
EACH OTHER ANYMORE
IN AMNESIA, INVITE
OURSELVES TO LAST GLANCES
UNDER SUSPICIOUS CLOCKS
TELLING US WHEN WE'VE
HAD ENOUGH?

4.
YOUR STEADY HANDS
CRADLING MY GRATEFUL
SKULL: WERE YOU TAKING
IN MY FACE TO
SAVE AN IMAGE
YOU'VE RARELY ALLOWED
YOURSELF AFTER LEAVING
THAT COLD ALCOVE?
AM I A PHOTOGRAPH
YOU GAZE AT IN
MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS?

YOU ORDERED ME
OFF MY KNEES
INTO YOUR ARMS.
WASN'T TO BEG
THAT I KNELT; ONLY
TO SEE YOU ONCE
FROM BELOW.

TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING
THAT FILLED MY MOUTH
AND LONGED TO REST
IN YOUR EAR.
DON'T DARE WRITE IT DOWN FOR FEAR IT'LL
BECOME WORDS, JUST
WORDS.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
(1999-2002)

my fucked up conversation with anim

2005-11-12T23:19:00.000+11:00

Anim msg me tru msn yesterday. The conversation started with the "selamat hari raya" stuff "whatcha doing/eating stuff" to my new fascination with Viggo Mortensen and degenerated into my porn collection, pashing girls, sexy old men and hating Russel Crowe (and his 'not that good' movies). We also talked about how traumatizing would it be for Bayah if she discovered my aforementioned 'collection'. We talked about commitment phobe syndrom, David Cronenberg and the fact that neither of us is innocent (despite the deceptive appearance)

how on earth we end up discussing all those stuff??

p/s anim, if u are reading this.. let's ditch everything and go hitch hiking across europe. This time leave Bayah at home. She might force us to bath everyday if she tag along.

too many of everything and not much of anything

2005-11-11T06:54:00.000+11:00

Found this on bergie 's blog

"Being brave is loving someone unconditionally, and not expecting anything in return"

rite now I think I am being the bravest woman alive. Tho secretly I am glad that thing does not turn out the way I initially wanted it to be. I spend the last couple of day replaying our friendship for the last 7 years, every conversations, sms, emails and msn and I think that what he love (d?) is just a shadow and a thought of what I used to be. I am no longer the happy go lucky girl who once painted his face with lipstick.. too many things happened, too many dissappointments, too many failures.. too many of everything and not much of anything..

Azrul once said to me.. "I don't want you to be like me, 26 and bitter" well now I am just like him, it just happened one year earlier.

insert catchy phrase here

2005-11-03T09:15:00.000+11:00

I've been surfing the web for a few days.. looking for something new.. when I stumbled upon this one website showcasing a guy with a bloody intense stare.. at first I wonder who d hell is this guy when suddenly it hit me! BLOODY HELL! MR MORTENSEN is so damn HOT!! It's Viggo Mortensen! I am in love already.. I even like his grey hair.

haha this just reconfirm that I always like old guys.. hehe

raye... raye......

2005-11-02T22:09:00.000+11:00

I just came back from celebrating raye with those budak2 undergrads... kenyang makan rendang, satay, n all those trapping.. banyak betul mase budak2 nie masak. anyway me, ayu, azzah and amalia were a bit subdued.. ye aa.. kitorang nie dah tua.. mane ade energy nak celebrate raye cam bebudak tu.. for once I am glad that my raye this year is without little kids.

I still remember last year during kenduri or samting at my house, syahmi was belting some song (or maybe he just yelled at the top of his lung) and everybody think it was charming, kiut, adorable.. yada yada.. but not me. I felt like strangling him! I end up walking around with a blinding headaches that day.

little kids and me are just not compatibles.

blogging again... since banyak sgt mase

2005-10-31T13:24:00.000+11:00

1. Ian still keep a desk for me in the office. He's hopping that I'll be available for work again. Very nice of him

2. Saw UTP's new mosque in the website. It's so unfair because I am not there anymore.

3. Decide that I wanna go to Melbourne Uni for my phd.. still australia. or maybe I'll consider NZ..

4. Pray that the experiment will go without hitch today

5. Not fasting but I am hungry

6. Ben Hisham is reading about Real Madrid in arabic. I could see his computer from my place

7. the lab is full with undergrads student

8. I am sleepy

9. I have a headaches

10. I need to go to the loo

wah!! updating again..

2005-10-31T12:17:00.000+11:00

I am already celebrating hari raye.. assuming that the actual eid would be on Wednesday.. I'll have to ganti my puase for like 3+4+ 3. the extra 3 days are for the day that I think I forget to niat puase the nite before and for the two days I spend sucking out chemical and blowing pipette. rite now I am bloody tired and I have a blinding headaches

so why am I updating my blog? because... since Dr. Shi is back, Tom cannot help me doing the ICP thingy and I have to wait until 2.30 pm because he's to busy doing whatnot. and since I came to meet Dr. Shi at 11 .. I am now stuck in the lab reading every kind of blogs and gay erotica. I probably should go back and sleep off my headaches but I knew in my heart that if I go back home and sleep, I would never manage to meet that guy at 2.30.. so I just stay here abusing lab equipment.

speaking about gay people.. last week during Kyle and Jackie O show.. one of the DJ get proposed by his boyfriend live. Intan's, Dilott's and syu's reaction were like... eww geli geli.. while I kinda think waa sweet nye. I wish my boyfriend would do that! after that somehow I feel like I am giving the wrong kind of reaction. I would never accept same sex relationship. If I am back in Malaysia (who claim to be a muslim country) I definitely would think that their behaviour is repulsive (it's also a breach of law to be a gay or be in a same-sex relationship or engage in same-sex activity in Malaysia). I also cannot accept if the person who engage in an same-sex relationship professed to be a muslim (or worse a devout one) no matter where or which country they live. If you claim to be a muslim, don't do it. It's not acceptable and would never be accepted till the end of time.

I know it's wrong but somehow I think rite now I am not living in a muslim country, the ppl are not muslim and if same sex relationship is culturally accepted by the ppl in this country.. who am I to judge them rite? so I think it's kinda sweet. so does this make me a hypocrite bastard? or somebody with skewered view? or am I breaching an aspect of my religion? or I am just a tolerant person? so confius

All great love stories are doomed to end in tragedy. If it's not tragic, it's not great.

2005-10-28T00:31:00.000+10:00

I am such a sucker for tragic ending when it comes to movies... I just finished watching this korea movie Bichunmoo at SBS and end up bawling.. true to life bawl- or- die kinda things.. no matter that the story was cliche (well except the not-so-happy-ending part) and I could predict the storyline itself (up until the end!) and there were plotholes here and there.. but still I cried.

I cried watching Titanic, I cried watching LOTR: The Two Towers (ok it's not exactly tragic.. but there are certain point where when all hope is lost.. you know before Gandalf and Eomer's exile army came), I cried watching Oshin (who still remember this miniseries?), I cried watching Dark Water (never underestimate the power of mother's love), I cried watching Gensomaden Saiyuki (in certain episode and it's a bloody fucking anime!), I cried watching Ibu Mertuaku (Penarik Beca pun sedihhhhhh), I cried watching Beautiful Life (even after the fifth time), once I cried watching this Tamil movie when I was a little kid and more movies that I care to list. I also cried reading all those inspirational stories in Reader's Digest (Sergei and katia loves on ice.. sob sob)... I am such a cry-baby...

but the truth is, when it comes to real life.. I hardly cry at all.. even when my mother passed away.. I only cried at the end.. after I kissed her for the last time, even that I cried alone in the kitchen. I don't even cried when the guy I like rejected me. or when Z left me (ok we supposedly parted by mutual agreement.. but still.. he's a jerk!). I don't cry when Emi passed away. and I don't like people making fun of the dead.. like my sister who always making fun of this guy (my childhood classmate who die in a road accident). He died on the eve of Aidilfitri and every year my sister never fail to make fun of this guy.. sheeshh how would she feel if I make fun of her dead fiance?? and some of my relatives (whom I refuse to mention) who continue to make fun (or speak in derogatory way) of one of my auntie who passed away after my mother. the nerve of some ppl..

For me grief is a private thing... that's why movies (or stories) are the perfect outlet for the tear ducts. If you have the times and means.. go watch this movie; Bichunmoo while I go work on my happy ending

http://www.lovehkfilm.com/panasia/bichunmoo.htm

I am backkkkkk!!!!

2005-10-21T00:31:00.000+10:00

After prolonged absence .. I am now back with uncertain promise that I am going to try to update my blog atleast once a week... ok what have I done during my hibernation? not in chronological order

1. Finish experiment phase I
2. Finally not forgetting my honey pie birthday (it was yesterday! Happy Birthday love)
3. Fast the second time without my family and pasar ramadan
4. Gain weight
5. Change phone number due to a very persistant stalker
6. Ignored Andy's phone call.. heheh
7. Read a very interesting tale by an amateur writer (she?he? was so great. The story is way better that Anne Rice's Blood Canticle!)
8. Tidy up my room
9. "Tried" to save the world
10. Donate blood (all of u sissies out there! go donate blood, it could save someone's life)
11. Fall in love
12. Fall out of love
13. Sleep 15 hours a day.. I am so proud of myself
14. Finished my presentation on BP Texas City March 23rd, 2005 disaster.
15. Tried new recipe
16. Went to bookfest and bought a truckload of National Geographic Magazine and Cookbook
17. Surf for porn (ahhaha agak2 ade tak orang perasan nie)
18. Finished several romance novel ... ahahha and several others from a genre which I knew berg would never read
19. Changed my bedsheet
20. Downloaded bootlegged copies of anime ..
21. Did my laundry (but not all.. I ran out of one dollar coinssssss)
22. Changed my bed's position
23. Played Australia Advanced Fair, Negaraku and Johor State Anthem as loud as possible at 2 am so that my housemates cannot sleep. (in retaliation for the unwashed dishes in the kitchen)
24. Throw away my holey socks (finally!)
25. Bought Tandoori Chicken
26. Went to eat KFC at Punchbowl
27. Accepted that I am much more attracted to Arwen than Aragorn (or Legolas or Gimli, God forbids!).. but I really want to shag Brad Pitt
28. Sembahyang terawikh
29. Buka puase dekat Malaysia Hall
30. Flirt with cashier dekat SPAR.. cute doh mamat nie
31. Met machoo for the first time. kiut la gak.. no wonder intan always go ga ga everytime she mentioned his name
32. Borak2 dgn Z reminiscened about old time
33. Throw away things/gay magazines that I no longer need
34. Eat mangoesssss
35. Eat at Cafe Kasturi (twice.. despite grumbling mahal nak mampos)
36. Minum sirap (rembat intan punye homemade ibu sirap.. siap letak daun pandan tu)
37. Makan Jelly Strawberry... best best tapi rase dia tart sket
38. Stop eating at donut king (tak halal rupenye)
39. Decide to vote for the green should I ever become australia's PR
40. Layan my honey pie.. in strictly platonic way
41. Accept that my honey pie and me would never be together. We are too different.
42. Pakai sopan-sopan. kadang2 la..
43. browse spek pop yeh yeh utk geff
44. Beli steamerrrrrrrrr!!! yeay.. tapi baru gune sekali.. nak bwk balik malaysia nanti
45. decide who should get my stuff bile I balik nanti. Most probably all will go to intan
46. Call kampung
47. Pray for uncle omar well being (eden kan anak sedara peveret)
48. Make Charles remember how to pronounce my name..
49. Hide from Ian
50. Updated my blog yeay...

cukuplah nie 50 perkara ...

I am so screwed!!!!

2005-09-12T20:27:00.000+10:00

I am seriously doubting my sexuality right now.. dammit wak! nie semue ko punye pasal.. isk isk

2005-09-03T13:54:00.000+10:00

Yours truly called from Holland.. the short course is almost over and he'll be back in state in two weeks time.During the phone conversation he asked me.. would you die for your country? (ni mesti sbb independent day la nie).. I said yes .. I'll die for my country and my religion if need be. Then I asked him back.. (knowing he'll answer no way Jose!) would you? Surprisingly he said "if you asked me the same Q 5 years ago, I'll probably said no, but now the answer would be yes, I'll die for my country." hmmm.. I think living abroad for like 5 years change him a lot. He once said having the money, good medical insurance, the material stuff (he drives a sporty merc, for goodness sake!) and the career he always wanted turns out not to be the things that he really wants. well.. I don't wanna ask him what are the things that he truly wants.. this is one very screwed guy... he might wants a small country where the coins is implanted with his face.. but the point is he changed a lot .. especially in regards with things like patriotism and stuff... pity it took him like 5 years abroad to appreciate his home country. Pity that some of my friends (should i really called them friends?) are still blind.

So.. would you die for your country?

My fantasy!

2005-08-28T02:25:00.000+10:00

There are certain things that I like to fantasize.. but it'll probably remains a fantasy. let's start the countdown..

10. I am in a witness protection program.. with a handsome FBI as potential love interest.
9. Sometimes I wish that I am a self made bilionaires.. so that when papparazi chase me.. I could say "go bug Paris Hilton, she'll like that"
8. I saved a busload of kids from being drown when their bus get thrown into a river (with raging torrent and tornado brewing nearby). When Oprah ask me why I did it eventhough I knew I can't swim; I very humbly said.. I am sure everybody would do the same...
7. I just got an offer to go to Harvard Law School with full scholarship... from Harvard
6. I fantasized that I am a patriotic chick who tried to free her country. Not like Palestinian/Afghanistan stuff.. Less violent situation like Aung san suu kyii
5. I just had a hot kinky monkey sex with brad pitt (or he ditch angelina jolie for me)
4. I have a yatch and sailing across this world alone.. because I have enough money to do it and I know how to swim. stopping from port to port and enjoying local life..
3. I am the first malaysian to win nobel prize in physics or chemistry or both (or Booker Prize, nobel seems like too far fetch even for fantasy)
2. I am this mysterious chick who live by the beach, take pics all the times and shun contact with people .. and I have a pet squirrel. Most probably have a very violent/sad past.. or maybe because I am heartbroken. Or I could be a research assistant in some remote island. The point is must have beach!
1. I am a supercool hired assasin while masquerading as a straight A student. My stash of weapons are secretly thrown in a box and put under the bed. Weapons include guns, super sharp wire, biological stuff and my telephatic/telekinetic/pyrokinetic ability.

haahhaha I actually have more sick and deranged fantasy but since my sister (and cousin) follows my blog, I don't want to offend her sensitivities and invite a very nice lecture (nagging) upon myself.

update

2005-08-18T00:25:00.000+10:00

I am way behind in writing my literature review.. instead of the 15 pages targeted, I JUST GOT 4 CRAPPY PAGES! somebody shoot me please!

lagi cerite budak nerd

2005-08-01T13:28:00.000+10:00

I went to see Andrew Harris just a few minutes ago.. I have already met him twice and the things that he repeated endlessly are "the pursuit of knowledge" and "scholarship and phd". I think all Sydney Uni staff have this kind of conspiracy.. turn Hidayah into a nerdy Phd student and don't let her eat donuts. I could list all those people who keep on pushing me to do things that I normally wouldn't do on my own accord. Like not eating donuts.

I am going to meet Ellen and finalize my enrollment.. pray for me ok.. I so wanna make my father proud of me.

New semester... new suicide mission...

2005-07-31T19:55:00.000+10:00

After much deliberation I decided to drop Advance Process Manufacturing and Civil Engineering Project for Chemical Engineering Project and Seminar. I know I am setting myself for disappointment because I'll be evaluated by Tim Langrish and co for the seminar. As for the project, I have to work with Dr. Andrew Harris (he used to be Corpus Christi College Research Scholarship holder!). I asked myself over and over again.. why am I doing this... maybe I am a masochist .. maybe I am a big time idiot.. or maybe because I am hoping for the next big thing..

Actually I am hoping that I could be on the shortlisted list for Sydney Uni Research Scholarship.. and to get on that list I have to do a short project under good supervisor and of course get a good result too.. After the "chewing out session" (courtesy of Ellen) I went to talk with Andrew Harris.... and if he wants me.. I'll do whatever project he dish out.. If he doesn't wants me.. I'll do Advance Process Manufacturing and Seminar.. (he better wants me! I definitely smell better than *dot dot*)

I'll update again after talking to him tomorrow.. I hope God will point me to the right direction.

Darwin

2005-07-15T13:35:00.000+10:00

Day 1
arrived - penat

Day 2
penat

Day 3
penat

Day 4
balik - penat

Day 5 - Sydney
Tido

By the way, I received my result today. 1 distinction and 2 high distinctions. Pretty good for somebody who used to get a bloody low gpa.

Lagi lagi Quiz

2005-06-30T14:29:00.000+10:00

Your IQ Is 115

Your Logical Intelligence is Above Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius
Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Which one is better.. Exceptional or Genius? Tingginye IQ den.. apsal tak dapat first class a dulu?

Wow! I am a nerd!

2005-06-24T21:15:00.000+10:00

Must be because all those advance maths that I took

2005-06-24T10:36:00.000+10:00

I've been following this story online for about one year. It's about four friends who led a double life. They were goverment assassins masquerading as four decent guys with day job. Each of them had a past that they rather forget. I just want to elaborate on one of the protagonist because it relates to one question that I asked my sister a long time ago..

This guy.. let's call him A was just an average kid with the typical family.. Dad, stay at home mom and the cutest little sister. Things start to change when his dad discovered some kind of corruption in his office. Turned out that dad worked in the Finance Minister Office.. and the big villain was the Finance Minister itself. The usual thing happened.. the minister ordered the assassination of the whole family.. however A and her sister managed to run (their house was burned/bombed?). One of the hired thugs managed to hit them with car and thus leaving the two siblings dead.

However... they were not dead. The brother woke up intact and the sister went into coma.. suffice to say when he woke up he found out that his dad had been frame for the corruption. He was at the end of the line.. (he was just 17) with mounting hospital bills and the need to keep his sister alive.. when a woman came and offered him the assassin job and the chance for revenge.. Turned out the Justice Minister knew that the other minister was corrupted. He just didn't have the way to bring that guy down. The finance minister came from an all powerful family.. So this guy accepted this job. He had only two motives keeping her sister alive and getting revenge. Suffice to say he get his revenge.. and his sister woke up (after a few years and angst filled chapters). Nevertheless he didn't want to see his sister and shipped her to other country. She was told that her brother died while she was in coma and she is now ward of state. 'A' doesn't want to meet his sister because he thinks that she would be revolted by her brother.. who killed people for money.

I once asked my sister should anything happen to me.. I don't want to be keep alive by machine. I don't want my family to suffer financially and emotionally. Just pull the plug and move on with their life. My sister argued (if she doesn't argued, I might think that she secretly happy to get rid of me!), she said as long as there are chances of me to wake up.. she'll fight tooth and nail to keep me alive.. and asked I asked her for how long? I don't want my family to remember me like that. I don't want them to resent me for making them suffer. I want my family to remember me during happier times.. and if I am honest with myself I don't want to wake up 20 years later and watch everything has change while I am still stuck in some sort of time warp.

As for 'A' sister... if I were her.. I would still love my brother despite everything that he has done. especially because he did what he did because of me but I might hate myself because I am the one who cause him to suffer all those years..

It's true then.. blood is thicker than water..

Grocery Day!!!

2005-06-11T19:49:00.000+10:00

I love Grocery Day! Went out early in the morning (early for me).. around 10 am. First destination would be the halal meat outlet. Already decided to walk around today because I just bought two jeans.. don't wanna enjoy it for just a few weeks. As usual there were several pit stops before I actually reach the shop. Jesters (the new pie shop), Books on King, Newtown Variety, Post Office (go figure), Flowershop and Cat shop (actually I am tempted to stop at Gelatissimo, but nobody eat icecream at 10 am in winter). Anyway after buying a month worth chicken and beef, I decided to go to Marrickville Metro since I was already halfway there.

I haven't been to MM for such a long time. Really missed the crowd. After spending like one hour wondering around, I went inside Woolworth and proceeded to fill my trolley. I dunno what possessed me to buy the 10 kg rice (maybe the price tag? 8.99 dollar .. murah oo) but I end up taking the trolley so far away just so I could go back to uni by bus. At first I planned to catch the 352 bus just outside MM.. but *lucky* me the bus does not operates on weekend. By the time I reached Enmore Road, I was about ready to cry! I had a full backpack, a full and heavy green bag and a 10 kg rice. The thing you do to save money (and to reduce your thigh circumference).

Normally, Grocery Day was spend at Paddy's.. but I ran out of rice and meat and chicken which are not sold at Paddy's so Newtown and MM seems to be the best choice for this month Grocery Day.. (besides I can swipe my CC at Woolworth.. Thanks abg bal!). Reached home by two.. giler sekejap shopping.. just in time to pray. My arms ached like bitch. By the time I finished with lunch it was already dinner time and I was so hungry! The way I gobbled up my dinner made all those walking around a waste! isk isk isk...

oh yeah.. on lighter note.. I've been ngorating Andy this week and he's been so receptive! Well, I love Mr X but he's not here.. :)

Love is a fickle thing IV

2005-06-06T11:30:00.000+10:00

I was working in the office alone last Saturday when Mr X buzzed me. He dedicated two songs to me.. You and Me by Lifehouse and Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. It was very sweet of him but I don't want to over analyze things. It might be just songs... stuff that you want to enjoy with friends.. I once dedicated Ronan Keating's "When You Say Nothing at All" to Farhan and it was blown out of proportion by Johan and the Gang. I hate it because for me it was just a song that I enjoyed at that moment and I want to share it with my dearest friend.

Farhan is getting married this month. He was somebody that I care a lot once. I admit that a long time ago we almost had a relationship. But I was just not ready at that moment. I didn't want to give up my life and I was still very much in love with Z. Now I wonder, what if .. what if I decided to stay with him. I might be the one getting married this month! He was one of the nicest guys that I've ever met and despite everything still treat me as a friend. Hmm.. this might be one of my major losses. Nevertheless, I still wish him all the best and may he get all the happiness that he certainly deserves.

At first I thought that I would not be able to love another guy aside from Z. However, I know now that I love Mr X. It's no longer the 'I am lonely and you are here now' stuff or 'you are so cute, I could fall in love' thingy. Those things evolved into something real. Despites what all my cousins or friends might say, I know I love him. I love him enough to accept the possibility that we might never be together. I don't know why but I always fall in love with guys whom I know would never be mine. Z, Brad Pitt, Bean, Mr X, Andy (yeah.. in that particular order.. but current obsession is Mr. X, He literally stole my heart away).. Am I destined for spinsterhood?? God forbids! I still want to have husband and kids and house with white picket fences.. I know that plan change but I really want to settle down when I am 29, have my first kid before I am 30 and retire with half a million when I am 45. Right now the possibility of retiring with half a million is much more higher than me getting married at 29.. *sigh* where's my knight in shining armour? Won't you come and swept me away?...

Blearghh!!

2005-06-03T19:38:00.000+10:00

I'm angry and sad and I'm exhausted and hurt and I'm afraid to forgive, and have you walk out on me again

I need..

2005-06-02T13:06:00.000+10:00

A new pair of jeans
A pair of sneaker
Strappy sandals
New backpack

oh maybe new perfume too...

Lamenye tak update blog!!!

2005-05-29T20:58:00.000+10:00

Last Friday, I went to Malaysia Hall for sembahyang hajat and tazkirah with Dato' Noh Gadot (Johor's Mufti). I don't really know how and why I went there in the first place. Initially I planned to watch Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy at Broadway that night but when Syu msn'ed me 15 minutes before I go out and asked me whether I want to go to Hall, I sort of said ok, maybe this is better than watching some movie. At the end, I am glad that I went to Hall. Maybe God was guiding me that night.

Sebenarnya kan.. since dpd utp lagi, I was never a black and white gal. I waltzed in the grey area. If I feel like going to religious activities, I'll just go. If I feel like going to all those activities yg pelik2, I'll just go too. I admit, I never like going to usrah especially those organize by few selected people but I never scorn religious activities. In fact, I was one of the people who organized Malam Ceramah Perdana in UTP! I took Asas Islam and Gamelan as my compulsory extracurricular courses. I help my friends organized 'Staged' (it was a concert with some Linkin Park wannabes). I always wonder how come some ppl scorn religious activities and embrace the entertainment things and vice versa. While those two would never mix, doesn't mean that you cannot enjoy both.

I have (or should I say I had?) friends who totally opposed religious activities. selalu je nak cari salah budak2 alim nie.. for me doing this kind of thing sort of denying who you are. I mean ape salahnye pergi ceramah agama?? Pergi konsert lagi salah tau (doesn't mean that I didn't do it). I mean you want to do all those entertainment things... buatlah kalau berani.. dosa tanggung sendiri tapi takyah la nak cari salah aktiviti baik2. I mean tanak pegi baca yassin ramai2 takpe, taknak pegi ceramah agama takpe.. mane de paksaan dlm islam kan? tapi dalam mase yg sama takyah la kutuk. Takyah la totally isolate kan all those religious activities. Takkan takut kene ceramah suh pakai tudung kot?? I am not exactly a goody two shoes girl, as I mentioned earlier I waltz in the grey area. I watch movies in cinema, I don't jaga my aurat as required by Islam, I wear perfume.. etc. etc. The point is I know I did all those things, I know it were wrong and I don't try to rationalize it. wrong thing would stay wrong. I just pray that someday I would have a strong faith, enough to avoid me from doing all those wrong things. In the meantime, I still pray, I don't drink, don't have sex, don't do drugs, still wear my headscarve, don't pegang2 guys or be overly affectionate with them, still join all those religious activities when I have the time, still eat halal food, and I still don't let money cloud my judgement.

heh. nie dah cerite lain nie. Tak igt dah nak cerita ape asalnye tadik.

Why some countries are doom to be poor...

2005-05-10T15:56:00.000+10:00

...because they bred incredibly stupid men.

I am doing a project with this Pakistani guy.. He was so full of himself that he refused to listen to other person ideas. I was so pissed off with this guy and I knew that others are too. My Jordanian friends are actually way better than this guy despite their strict middle east background.

*sigh* This is just not my semester.. guess next semester I have to work extra hard

mood: pissed off
hate: sexist person

Student Life

2005-05-06T14:03:00.000+10:00

Initial balance in wallet: 20++
Withdraw: 500

Expenses
4 weeks rent: 480
Halal chicken, lamb and sausages (enough for 1 month): 11.70
Cat's Protection Society: 1.20
Rice and curries: 8.00
Samosa: 2.00

Balance in wallet: 20 and some spare changes. Folded the 20 dollar bill and hide it. Counted the spare changes... 2.50.. ahhh enough for one choc nut donut. still have 10 cent balance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Food stock:

Half a dozen eggs

Shredded Cheese

Tomatoes

Potatoes

Kraft Cheese

1 packet Pasta

Some rice

Lotsa Onions! and some garlic

1/4 Cabbage

Mixed Veggie

Some chicken liver

a box of Fish stick

Green Peas

Chicken Wings - 3

1 1/2 bottle of Pepsi

Mayonnaise, chilli sauce, soy sauce, salted fish and few things here and there.

Well, I guess I am good for another month. Life is good.

Mother's Day

2005-04-29T15:38:00.000+10:00

I cannot escape Mother's Day's commercial anymore. Every time I turned on the tv, there will always be Mother's Day's commercial. I make me even more sad that my mother is not with me anymore. I always feel that I am not really close with my mother.. but I still think that we have a special bond of our own.

Actually this afternoon I planned to finish my environmental modeling report. My biggest mistake was that I left the tv on. After watching the Hallmark commercial for like the tenth time, I broke down and cried.

I cried for...

All those things left unsaid
Every memorable moment that my mother missed and will miss in the future
My niece and nephews who would never know how wonderful their grandma was
My father whom I know misses my mother so much
Every action of mine that made my mother sad
My sister who has to shoulder a very big responsibility since my mom passed away
My little bro who had to grow up overnight
People who don't have a wonderful mother like mine
My mother's students who lost a very wonderful teacher
Every motherless child that don't have anymore tears to cry

But the most important thing of all, I cried because I miss my mother so much.

Al Fatihah for Hajah Saudah Haji Saleh

Wherever you are, I hope God gives you a very special place at His side.

2005-04-23T18:32:00.000+10:00

Standing here with eyes closed,
as fragile as a withering rose,
I search for something inside my soul,
something that has been keeping me whole.

No smiles or laughter to remember you by,
I wonder if I've been living in a lie,
The love in me is ringing true still,
There's no way to deny just how I feel,

But what am I to do when the wave crashes over me?
I'm lost in the mystery of you, baby, can't you see?

Hey!
I look up to the sky and see past the clouds,
Can you hear me singing to you so loud?
I remember you as I start to once again cry,
I always tried to reach the palace in the sky;
the palace where your beautiful heart resides,
and the palace where my one true love hides,
I love you but I can't keep living in fear,
How can I reach you up there when I'm down here?
So, tell me...

Save me now before it's too late,
I'm afraid my love would someday fade,
I want to run to you like I always do
but I'm afraid you'll say that we're through,
The love in me is ringing true still,
There's no way to deny just how I feel,

But what am I to do when the wave crashes over me?
I'm lost in the mystery of you, baby, can't you see?

Hey!
I look up to the sky and see past the clouds,
Can you hear me singing to you so loud?
I remember you as I start to once again cry,
I always tried to reach the palace in the sky;
the palace where your beautiful heart resides,
and the palace where my one true love hides,
I love you but I can't keep living in fear,
How can I reach you up there when I'm down here?
So, tell me...

When I run to you... I see you running away,
You hide in your palace, and I don't know what to say

Hey!
I look up to the sky and see past the clouds,
Can you hear me singing to you so loud?
I remember you as I start to once again cry
I always tried to reach the palace in the sky;
the palace where your beautiful heart resides,
and the palace where my one true love hides,
I love you but I can't keep living in fear,
How can I reach you up there when I'm down here?
So, tell me...

2005-04-20T01:17:00.000+10:00

Message 19
just wanna drop you a note. U think i m always happy? Its just a facade, m sad all d time n m sad now. Ppl r hard to deal with n they bring me down. Neway gnite
From: MrX
23:09 19-APR-05

I don't really know how to respond. He sound so sad. During our undergrad years, he never send this kind of sms. It was always about some stupid jokes, mundane things, loves... etc.. etc but never about being sad or down. Truth be told, I don't know how to comfort him (+I don't have credits). How do you comfort an upset friend? Or worst, how do you comfort a grieving friend?

I still remember, I once promised him that I will always be with him in time of needs. So eventhough I cannot reply his sms.. I am sitting alone in my room wishing and hoping that he'll wake up smilling tomorrow.

A Song for You

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Quiz Time

2005-04-10T20:23:00.000+10:00

You are an extremely talented person and you are also brilliant. You are mature, charming, straight-forward and you worry about your friends when they're in trouble. You give great advice and you're probably one of the best friends someone can ever have.

Which Gravitation Character Are YOU?
Take the quiz at Dare to Dream

Dinner

2005-04-09T12:57:00.000+10:00

Attended the dinner before pep talk with PM.. well nothing special about it. Come to think of it, I had better food during some of my annual dinners... They shouldn't make it compulsary for sponsored student. There is nothing to be gain from it, except that it get me out of my hibernation mode... Dinner with Hassan Merican and the late Tan Sri Azizan was so much better..

Met some jerk who kept bragging about things just because he was one of the committee member. I was like.. Helloooo???? Ingat special sgt ka dinner kat hotel?? What's the big deal? I've ate at Sydney's Four Season before. Shangri La is just another hotel. Lain la kalau dapat dinner dekat 7 stars hotel.. tu tak penah a try lagi.. maybe la worth bragging for..

Eii.. I shouldn't waste my time blogging about this kind of people.. aiyohh org mcm nie pun ade ke??

The end is only the beginning

2005-04-02T18:12:00.000+10:00

This is it.. me and Z decided to end the limbo situation. We discussed like two adults. Nobody yelling, nobody throw the phone, no curse words. We talked like two civilized human being. It is just that the childhood infatuation turned into a more enduring friendship. We still love each other.. just not in the way that we used to. I didn't cry because what I gained is so much more than what I lost.

This would be a start of a beautiful friendship...

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

2005-03-28T10:01:00.000+10:00

I am not exactly the neatest person around. But I generally keep my personal space as neat as I can. I clean up as frequent as I can. The problem with this kind of attitude is that people sometimes take advantage from it.

I am living in a house of four. 3 girls and 1 guy. You might think that, 3 girls! the house must be shiny and spotless. WRONG! The house is a mess. In this case girls generate more mess than guy. Kitchen and living room is considered as share space. But our living room is full of stuff that are unrelated to the decor. This makes entertaining virtually impossible. Seriously, is it that hard to organize your own stuff? If you don't want it or don't have space for it, simply throw it out or give it to charity. Don't put all your clutter in the living room. It's my living room too!

The other thing is kitchen. In a way, only me and D use the kitchen, but there's this feeling that there are gazzilions people using the kitchen. Is it that hard to wash dishes after you eat? Must you leave it on the counter for several days?? Just use disposable plates if you are too lazy to wash the dishes! and please clean your mess after you used the microwave. I have this opinion that if you cannot keep the shared appliance clean, don't bother to use it at all!

We have cleaner that comes every week (on Thursday) but I end up being another cleaner that comes on Monday. If I don't do this, the house could be swamped by maggots! Thank god I don't have to share toilet with them. I don't expect them to be super neat, I am not that kind of person too, but be sensible. Small stuff like rubbish from your own room.. throw it in the rubbish bin outside not on the kitchen floor. Is it that hard to do? aiyohh

One thing that I learnt, a person could be beautiful and fashionable and stuff but that doesn't mean that they don't live like some filthy animals.

Love is a Fickle Thing II

2005-03-27T21:29:00.000+10:00

A dear friend of mine (S) thinks that she is in love with this guy, A (short for asshole.. heheh). While it is not my place to tell her who she should or shouldn't love, I never really liked this guy since the first time he was mentioned. Call it sixth sense or whatnot, mere mention of his name makes me shudder. Actually, I never met this guy and what I know about him came from S (and those smsses yg I curik2 bace). I know I cannot judge a person whom I've never met.. but somehow I cannot help myself into thinking that this guy is sooo slimy. He likes receiving all the attention, he likes having a personal cheerleader etc etc.. but he never (or maybe rarely) returns the courtesy.

There was this one time that I sent a fake sms to him.. .. "Hi *insert random guy names*, sorry Lia already have other plans this Saturday, next time kay? Thanks anyway" and this guy replied my sms saying I sent the sms to the wrong number blah.. blah.. blah.. If it stopped at that takpelah, he then proceeded to send a chat request to me! Was that necessary? Nak berkenalan pulak. (A few months later, S chanced upon that very sms, ARCHIVED in that dude's mobile. WTF?). I think S's emotional rollercoster has never been so bad until she started falling in love with this guy. She cried, she threw tantrums, she yelled, she laughed, she jiwang2 (for lack of better word), she cried again.. the cycle goes on and on and has become more vicious with time (vicious as the jiwang2 and flowery stuff becoming even more scarce)

Personally, I think that the real reason I don't really like this guy is that because he made S cry You cannot help but hate people who make your loved ones cry.. (albeit sometimes you cannot refute your loved one lack of brain cells).

Having said all this, I'll still stand by S. Even if she decides to continue pursuing this guy. I just hope that she finds the happiness that she deserves.

Ahaha, actually, I hope S will throw caution to the wind and elope with F but that's another story.

Hey! who's that guy?

2005-03-23T18:01:00.000+11:00

Ocean tech held a seminar yesterday. I planned to attend it as I know Andy would be there. However, the seminar was at 3 in the afternoon and I have tw0 classes from 9-3. So I went to classes a bit dressy.. complete with high heel and make up.. hehehe. Anyway my first class (btw David, my proff like my headscarve!) finished at 1 and I have to rush off to next class which started at 1! and it's quite a distant from Madsen building to Engineering building. To make matter worse.. it was raining and I didn't bring my umbrella. So I just walked in the rain while wearing a white shirt. Thank god my mascara is waterproof and my headscarve cover my chest.. kalau tak semue org la tau aku pakai bra biru.. heheh. Anyway the second classes which supposed to end at 3, end earlier at 2 so I went back to my house to have lunch and change my clothes to something sensible like jeans and tshirt and my blue sweater.. around 2 45 I went back to office to wait for the seminar.. and when I walked into the office.. Andy was already there.. I was startled (dunno why) and just manage a squeaky hi.. (thank god I didn't squeal like an obsessed fangirl) I think he was surprised to see me.. because normally I won't attend the seminar unless if I was already in the office.

So the usual thing (like ppl asking me about EASy) happened, I can't wait to go to the seminar and be done with it since I already got my daily dose of Andy. Anyway when I went to the seminar room, the presentation was already in the way.. and the first thing that popped put in my mind was...... jeng.. jeng.. jeng.. (bace ikut intonasi)

Hey! who's that guy?

ahahhaha Daniel Harrison clean up reallllllly nice. No more hippy hair, beard and ratty Tshirt.. I think he cut his hair and the shirt was ironed. He actually combed his hair today! and he smell nice too.. (believe it or not, I stand beside him and sniff him, discreetly of course!). Without the beard, he actually look way younger and cuter. Met him after the seminar and had a short chat. Nice bloke but I still like Andy more.

tu je. tade keje. hehehe.. oh and Hugh Grant don't like Julia Robert. watch it on Oprah today

Dear Diary

2005-03-20T19:11:00.000+11:00

Dear Diary....

I read Angah's blog today. It left me with mixed feelings, especially when I read about my father. Coming from a traditional family, I could never defined my relationship with my father. I know we love each other but we sure have a very weird way of expressing it. Before I came to Australia, I used to joke around with my sister, saying that finally dad could talk about me during his 'ngeteh' session. Maybe he could say something like this... "anak aku yg nombor lima tu tgh amek master dekat Sydney". I know I am smart but I also know that there are people who are smarter than me. So I work hard.. make effort so that my father could be proud of me.. I think in some way this is one of the reason why I came to Sydney. but my father is a very hard man to please.. and I always feel like a failure... sometimes I feel like shouting "Abah, that's the best that kak hid could do" Maybe that's why I always rebel against him, avoid him or plain ignore him. I don't know what else I could do so that my father would be proud of me..

This time I hope my gamble paid off. I hope I could get back to Malaysia, get a good job and make my father proud.

Anyway.. just for the record.. I wanna say this..

Abah despite our differences, I love you. I might not say this out loud but I swear that I really love you and I'll make you proud someday.

Sunday, March 20
7:35 PM

2005-03-09T23:03:00.000+11:00

This is the end

The sky is falling

Shattering to earth around me

Piercing my fragile heart

I fall to my knees

Unable to grasp

Unable to feel

What are you doing to me

My tears are flowing freely

Nothing but a pathetic puppet

Is this all that I am to you

You push me and you pull me I don't know which way to go

The world is your board and I am your pawn

But this is the end of your lover's game

Tearing myself from you

Our world has no meaning

Your eyes pierce through me

Reminding me of that hurt

What is going on beneath that painful golden gaze

Where does this begin or end

The constant downward spiral

Slowly, I am dying in your hands

You crush me like I am nothing

Like you don't know how to feel

Nothing but a pathetic puppet

Is this all that I am to you

You push me and you pull me I don't know which way to go

The world is your board and I am your pawn

But this is the end of your lover's game

The end of the lover's game.

2005-03-07T22:42:00.000+11:00

"You know you love someone,

when it's almost enough just to be near them,

even if they don't know, they'll never know,

but just as long as you know they're breathing,

that you can see them,

that it's enough to live for"

I am bipolar or attack of the donut

2005-03-03T22:47:00.000+11:00

Tuesday morning... presentation day.... finished my slides around 12. After that I just walked around bothering everybody.. especially Jason. Suddenly the power went out.. and I was like "yeay! this mean I don't have to do the presentation" .. ahhaha fat chance!

Around 12.30 I decided that nothing progressive could be done and decided to go buy a donut. After like 5 minutes salivating in front of the donuts counter, I settled on a custard donuts. Then I went back to the office. The power was still out. Grace and Jason were lounging around.. and I sort off joined them.. still clutching my donut and sniffing it. Then Anthony came into the office, saw my donut and go "wow!! donut king" and I was like "yeah.. smell really nice too, it's custard donut" at this point I just cannot resist the temptation and start nibbling on the donuts.. Suddenly.. Andy walked into the office and I was like "Hi Andy!" (starry eyes attack!!). He just said "You are eating donut!" and walked out of the office.

huh?! after like not seeing him for a long time.. that was the only thing that he could say??? Oh well.. shrug.. my donut was much more interesting. Around 1:15, I went into Ian's office and asked him whether the presentation is cancel or not (I was still clutching my donut). The moment Ian and Sally saw my donut, they were like "Nellie! you are eating donut!" at this point.. I was wondering what's wrong with eating donut? Then Ian sort off told me that he's not going to cancel my presentation and he made a remark that not only I was eating donut, I was eating a custard donut! After mumbling an ok.. I walked out of his office and Sally said don't do it everyday.. I was like huh?? do what? her answer was "eating donuts" and I was like ..ehh??

Then I saw Andy.. and the conversation went like this

Andy: You are doing presentation today rite?
Me: yerp (still nibbling on the donut)
Andy: Are you ready?
Me: Do I look like somebody that's not ready?
Andy: You are eating donut
Me: Yeah, it's custard donut. Eh?? What's wrong with eating donut??
Andy: Hahahah... ( and he walked out of the office)

I think this is some sort of conspiracy in the office. See that if we could stop Nellie from eating donut.

The day went on and the power was turned back. Half and hour later it went off again and came back again just 30 minutes before my presentation.. There are a few non regular people attending the seminar. Edwina, Peter and some guy that I don't know. The presentation went not quite smoothly because people keep asking weird questions (especially Anthony!) I think they were fascinated with EASy (which is not EASY at all!).. Andy stayed till refreshment and went off earlier than everybody.. (actually I like to think that he just came to see me giving presentation.. hahaha). After that Ian gave a few comments on my presentation (there is just no pleasing this guy!) .. but apparently I impressed a few people.. and Anthony even said that he think that I am very good with EASy .. I feel like my ego inflated at twice the usual rate...

anyway.. at the end of the day.. I concluded a few things

1. EASy will drives me crazy someday
2. Andy came just to see my presentation (ahahhaah.. I don't care! I like this Bridget Jones feeling)
3. I am bipolar. The moment I saw Andy, I forget about X, which I had been obsessing for a few days
4. Don't eat donuts in front of your friends, proffesors (and his associates), eat alone. Better yet eat while hiding in your closet.
5. Custard donut is good but bavarian creme is superior

ahahahah.. senseless blog. If you are reading this.. go reward yourself with donut!

Love is a fickle thing

2005-02-27T20:29:00.000+11:00

Last week, Berg asked me this question: How come you never pursue a relationship with X? My answer? I dunno. I am not sure. It doesn't feel right.

I've been thinking about this for the past few days. I know I love X, and he did said a few times that he loves me. He wants to marry me. I am his one and only darling.. and many many more sentences sappy enough to choke me in normal circumstances. But everytime X said it.. I feel very scared and confused. I am scared that I'll fall even more in love with him. I am scared that I would never know whether he really love me or not. I am scared that if I told him that I don't wanna play this kind of game anymore, I'll lose him as a friend. I am scared of everything regarding X.

For me X represents something unattainable because it is simply unthinkable. We are different.. very much different.. race, religion, value.. everything about us is different. The only thing that's similar is that people would never know whether we are serious or not. He hides behind his cheerfulness.. I hide behind my indifference. That's why the game started in the first place. Because people would never knew our true feeling. However along the line, I lost my own game. I fall in love. I shouldn't fall in love. The game is never design for one of us to fall in love. It is just for fun. but I am human after all.

So why don't I pursue a relationship with him? because a relationship between me and X would require a lot of sacrifice from his side.. There are a lot of things that he has to give up if we are having a relationship.. and I don't want this not just for X, but for anybody that I love. I don't want anybody sacrificing anything for me... because as I said before.. we are first and foremost an individual. Besides, I feel that X doesn't have the same feeling like me. We are better of as friend.

Why should I complicate a great friendship just because I fall in love?

huh?

2005-02-25T19:27:00.000+11:00

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Seminar? Again????????

2005-02-25T00:05:00.000+11:00

I am on strike. Ian wants me to do another seminar. It is not fair! Grace hasn't done it yet and he wants me to do it again!

Strike! Strike! Strike!

Hell..

I love you

2005-02-23T10:10:00.000+11:00

How many times have you ever actually utter those words to somebody who is not blood related to you? There are two guys in my life who are actually lucky enough to heard it from me. One is Z (who is not the main character in this posting) and the other one is X. I dunno how it start, between me and X. In retrospect, we were just two kids looking for fun and for some odd reason I picked him.. despite the differences in background. He's brilliant, he's funny, he's cute and he look easy to crush.. not that I wanna crush him but if you wanna play some crazy game, better pick somebody your own size.

Can't remember when exactly I met him but he was in my English class. As most of my friends get stuck with English 100 and those who took English 1 didn't have the same timetable with me, I was all alone in the class. I am not exactly a friendly person and making new friends are hard for me.. so I end up being a loner in the class. What I remember that at some point during the semester, we were forced (yeah.. the word is forced nobody want to do a group project) to do a group project and since he and his roomate was sitting behind me, I sort of asking him whether they could do it with me. They were a bit reluctance but at the end agreed because the group project called for 3 persons per group.. I think I drove them crazy the whole semester because of my clueless face and the fact that I kept on giving evasive statement everytime they ask about my progress.. Well for one thing.. I was the last person to handle the project and sort of a compiler.. then one nite he called me and asked whether I could see him to discuss the project.. Actually the report was already finished at that moment and just waiting to be bind .. so I just grab the report and met him.. and let him talked for like two minutes (more like he was berating me) before I show him the report. He was surprised but not overly.. and he admitted that I did better work than what he had in his mind.. and me being the sarcastic one said in off hand manner that 'while he was busy studying so that he could be one of the best student in Penang, I was writing a historical report in 'English' (emphasis there) for the state of Johore'.. but at the end the semester ended pretty well with most of us get a good result..

That was my first contact with him.. and throughout the undergrads year we continued to flirt with each other in class, cafe and everywhere we met. I dunno how it evolved from smacking his head to flirting with him. However it was during my third year that we once again had to do a group project with assigned group member. It was Engineering Team Project and this time, one of my group member is once again his roomate and my roomate is his groupmate. X's roomate is really great and funny and easy to bully.. (ehhehe sorry Rooban!) and he was the guy who gave me X mobile number.. and me being the cheekiest girl on planet decided to start giving X flirty sms, cute sms, missed calls and stuff like that. I think in a way he did guessed that I was the one doing this crazy stuff but would never be sure because I would never pick up the phone when he called and I put the phone on silent when in class (lucky me, he did called me twice during class because he had the suspicious feeling that it was one of the chemical engineering student).. at the end he became our group inside jokes.. sometimes when we were stuck during design meetings, or just plain bored, we'll give him a miss called.. just so to drive him crazy... the funny thing is my roomate and his roomate was so into this crazy game and became a very dilligent spies.. it was so funny.. during the exhibition preparation, one of my groupmate miss called X while I was busy chatting with somebody. I could see that he immediately whipped his head to my booth (my booth was facing his booth's side) when he saw the displayed number.. and me.. being the devil I was.. continued to chat with my friend ( I was laughing like crazy in my head at the disbelieved look on his face) .. suffice to say the game continue and I don't know when exactly was he knew my secret ( must be when his phone ring during class and I was hard pressed to keep from laughing). At the end we become quite a good friend, went to Chemical Engineering dinner together once, and drives each other crazy throughout the year. He was one of the people who send me condolence when my mother passed away.. and I admitted during those hard times (I was doing internship in god knows where, missing my families and friends and coming to term with my mother's death) I did fall in love with him and he let me down easily and we continue to be good friend.

Then at the end of undergrads year, I lost my handphone and hence all my contact numbers... we were busy with finals, final year design project and stuff that I simply didn't get his number. We met again during convocation. He was sitting behind me during the convocation and it was nice joking around like old time. But, I was infatuated with somebody else during that time and again forget to ask for his number. We met in the parking lot before he went back, took picture and I almost hug him. Before I went to Australia, I send an email to our class YahooGroups telling everybody that my 012 number will only be in usage until 18 July.. I put my number there hoping that X will call me.... and he did and so we continue our friendship.

X, if you are reading this.. I want you to know that I love you and thank you for being such a good friend.

Weird Conversation

2005-02-20T22:55:00.000+11:00

This is the actual excerp of a conversation that I have with one of my friend...

AAA: You are checking her..

Me: huh?

AAA: You are 'checkin'g her

Me: Yerp.. oh. habit I guess

AAA: You are not entirely straight rite??

Me: Hah?? Are you crazy? Just because I check on girl doesn't mean that I am not straight

AAA: huh?

Me: hey! I did check on Jason

AAA: Bisexual, maybe?

Me: Is there any point to all this?

AAA: Bull! You don't deny it!

Me: Arghhh!!!

AAA: ahhaha..

Me: I am a muslim. Homosexual relationship is forbidden.

AAA: So you are saying that if you are not a Muslim, you might have that kind of preference?

Me: I wouldn't know that. I never dream of not being a Muslim. Beside I wanna go to heaven

AAA: So since I am not a Muslim, I'll go to hell?

Me: Yes, you gonna go to hell.. Actually, I wouldn't know that. It's between you and god

AAA: My god or your god?

Me: You have god? I thought you are an atheist?

AAA: Well... I do celebrate Christmas

Me: huh?

AAA: Lame. I know. So are you gay or not?

Me: Nope. But I do like checking on girls. They have higher aesthetic value than guys

AAA: ahah.. So you close your eyes when you are shagging?

Me: I dunno, never shag anybody yet

AAA: you are still a VIRGIN????????

Me: huh? Stop being so crude!!! nbjvrs,jAKchjfhsdfjklsdjfldsjfkldas!!jdsngffgm'!!

Can't remember the rest of the conversation.. but I know it contains a lot of swearing. My mind is to traumatize by the conversation and block it. Remind me not to talk to any guys younger than 50.

Me, myself and that damn thief

2005-02-19T12:59:00.000+11:00

Yesterday there was a very weird guy/woman (not sure because I cannot see clearly) standing in front of my house.. and this person kept coming back and staring at my bike and intan's. To discourage this bugger I sit on my bed and stare at him through the protection of my iron grill and lace curtain.. he (?) then relented and went away.... That afternoon I went out and lock my small gate.. not that it matter anyhow because the gate doesn't exactly has lock except for a string of chain.. lagi pun being in Australia.. all the house have only this tiny pagar which is usually only at my waist height.. It is not for protection.. it is just to make the house look all the more cuter. I took all the mail in and lock the front door grill. However there was this nagging feeling at the back of my head, telling me that I forget something.

That nite I decided to sleep with my blind close but due to the nagging feeling at the back of my head (which refused to stop) I stayed up late and watch the tv. Then at some point during the nite.. around 2 in d morning kot.. I heard some noise and I was quite reluctant to peek through the blind (ahaha i admit... takut sebenarnye) because the grill while it's fixed does have a very wide gap. The point is if that person smash the window, he/she could easily grab me through the grill and me having heard enough horror stories (yelah.. duduk Newtown pehtu dekat dgn Redfern lagi) about what Aussies are capable to do decide to stay put in my room.

... Wake up early in the morning today.. had a shower, kemas2 rumah and had breakfast. Then kemas2 my room and decided to pull up the blind and open the window. Then I saw that the gate was opened and.... jeng jeng jeng..... Now I remember ! I forgot to lock my helmet to my bicycle. I went out and my guess is correct! My bloody 17 dollars helmet is missing! Ciss.. must be the yesterday maniac! Still, I am glad that nobody decided to break into the house.. There's nothing much that I can do if it happen except try to call the police before they manage to break into my room. Still knowing that the serial rapist is still running around and this area is not exactly the safest area to live alone.. I am glad that I am safe and sound with only some bruise ego.. ( Ye ahh, I am usually braver than this). Isk I really need a pepper spray and baseball bat in my house..

Rite now, I am plotting a way to hex the thief. I know enough of ancient druid witchery to do this. Beware thief! Your upside down life will be thrown into even more chaos!

My new place

2005-02-16T12:37:00.000+11:00

The new house is ok.. except for the fact that my room is on the groundfloor and facing the main road.. Nite time tends to get scary as there are all sort of people wandering around.. especially those mabuk2 people who just finished clubbing in Newtown.. and the next street is Abercrombie St, one of the infamous street in Sydney. So far I am okay.. albeit living alone in a such a big house. The rent is 120 dolar per week (includes all the utilities bills) it is still considered pretty decent since it is in the campus ground. I installed a phone line in my room.. so basically I have like 150-- dolar a week for food and necessity.. Hopefully it is enough. Classes haven't start yet.. but I basically have 3 classes or four.. maybe. Not confirm yet.

I know there is police car patrolling the area cause so far I have seen a few people being interrogated in front of my house.. and my windows have fixed iron grill so i think the area is quite safe.. It is just quite nerve wrecking when people tried to peer inside my room everytime they walk in front of my house... grrr no more sleeping nekkid I guess. I don't like to use the blind, it is suffocating me.. lucky I have the makeshift lace curtain.. My room is quite small but atleast I don't have to share it.. and I don't have that many stuffs.. so oklah.. If all the electrical gadgets are discounted, the room has traditional british feeling.. what with lace curtain, flowery bedsheet and picture above the fireplace.. ehheh macam pride and prejudice lak..

Masak-masak oklah.. pasni dah tak pegi Woolworth because Coles n Bi-Lo is nearer.. and bleh je kalau nak jalan pegi Paddy's.. so everything is oklah. Rite now food supply ade banyak lagi.. tapi maybe kene beli bawang, sayur n potatoes la.. next sunday la.. sbb kalau sunday Paddy's dah murah dah.. and maybe I need to buy some chicken.. there is only so much hoki fillet you can take... ermm.. hopefully life will go on smoothly for me.

Erkk.. This can't be happening to me!!!

2005-02-09T16:34:00.000+11:00

I don't like wearing shoes so I went around wearing slipper or flip flop.. Unfortunately since I walk around so much including the 45 minutes walk from uni to my house.. (Thank God it is not daily!) I have contracted a fungul infection to my cute toenails.. darn! No pain, no itching, no missing nails.. just that the infection turn my nails into something ugly! Instead of pink it is now brownish and bumpy.. like tree rings! So today I throw away my flip flop.. disinfected my shoes.. buy a new pair of slipper (hey! it is just one dollar).. disinfect my feet (not a really good practice.. I used bleach and warm water) and give my feet a through DIY pedicure.. wonder why those Aussies who like to walk around barefoot don't contract this infection.. isk

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

2005-02-08T13:35:00.000+11:00

wheww.. after procrastinating for so long, I finally managed to sit down and read the Da Vinci Code. Excellent reading (discounting the fact that it's full of Christianity element).. However the end fall short of my expectation.. I could not guess the exact location of the Holy Grail due to the my limited knowledge of Paris but I did managed to guess correctly who the hell is 'The Teacher' is ... opss enough spoiler!.. go read the book by yourself

IMHO the details are plain amazing.. it make me see history from different kind of view (and also make me want to brush up may Islamic knowledge..darn! I am so not a very good muslimah) but the narration/suspense and thrilling factor is just not there. The book pace is ok.. but several characters need more development... and the whole family secret thing and the cover up just plain nonsense.. the loose end just don't tied up nicely

my verdict? Go borrow from your friend/library, download it from net using kazaa or buy second hand at 1 dolar per book but don't waste your money buying the RM32 book.. not worth it.

Carbon Dioxide Utilization

2005-02-07T13:44:00.001+11:00

There are several options for CO2 capture and sequestration such as alkalinity shifts, direct injection, ocean nourishment, geological storage and sequestration into forest. For sequestration into forest, while it might be the cheapest option, it is limited and would diminish over the next century when needs for CO2 mitigation are likely to be more critical. The concern for other sources is most likely the total cost. The direct injection method and geological storage require a very high cost if compared with ocean nourishment cost. The estimate cost for sequestration through alkalinity shift is about US $18 per tonne of carbon dioxide for sites by the seaside. However there will be some additional cost penalty as the estimation does not include the carbon dioxide that is produced because of the energy usage in the process.

Ideal as it may seem, CO2 capture and sequestration demands lots of attention and it is full of uncertainties especially with the potential of having adverse effect to the environment. Apart from that, most of it seems to be a short term answer to the greenhouse gases problems.

The purpose of writing this article is not to judge which solution is the best but to ask for the readers not to abandon the idea of utilizing carbon dioxide. As carbon dioxide is virtually a worthless commodity, wouldn't it be much more economical if it could be transform into valuable byproducts which will make the solution even more appealing to the real world where economic benefits triumph above all else. This especially applied to carbon dioxides that come directly from natural gas extraction and from manufacturing of industrial products such as cement, limestone, hydrogen and ethylene oxide.

So far the research on CO2 utilization focus on 6 strategies which are CO2 as co-reactant or co feed for producing useful chemicals and materials, designing an environmentally friendly and energy-efficient process by utilizing CO2 physical and chemical properties, replacing hazardous and/or less effective substances in existing processes with CO2 (as solvent, alternate medium, co-reaction or combination of them), CO2 for energy recovery, CO2 as C source for chemicals and fuels and conversion of CO2 under geologic formation conditions into 'new fossil' energies.

Proper and enhanced uses of CO2 will not only give environmental benefits but also will give economical benefits. However, as with all the propose solution for excess CO2 emission, CO2 utilization is fraught with barriers and challenges which include cost (capture, separation, purification, transportation etc), high energy requirement, market size limitation and the most important thing of all is that there is a serious lack in socio-economical and political driving forces that facilitate the enhanced CO2 utilization.

There are many ways to achieve conversion of CO2 into more valuables chemicals. The most advances way is Tri-Reforming where CO2 is converted into syngas without pre-separation from natural gases. Another method is dry reforming and catalytic hydrogenation of CO2. In dry reforming, separation of CO2 and CH4 is not needed making it suitable for fossil fuel industry as the level of CO2 in gas field is very high. Apart from that the ratio of H2/CO2 in syngas produced from this method is 1, which is suitable for producing a very valuable chemical, ethylene. This will not only reduce the carbon dioxide emission but also the CH4 emission.

The advantage of catalytic hydrogenation of CO2 method is that it can be applied without any significant replacement of facilities. Catalytic hydrogenation of CO2 also enables the conversion of CO2 to ethanol which is much more valuable than methanol.

By doing this, not only we obtained valuable chemicals from the usually useless CO2, but the net gas emission to atmosphere could also be reduce, thus decreasing the amount of sink needed in the first place.

The synthesis gas routes involve exchange of energy in heat recovery unit and reformers making it a capital intensive process. Nevertheless the routes are considered as highly efficient. That is why there is a great interest in optimising process schemes based on steam reforming (SMR) and autothermal reforming (ATR) as well as in exploring new routes for synthesis gas.

The require properties of the synthesis gas vary with the end product in question, whether it is ammonia, methanol, ethylene, ethylene glycol and etc. The size of the synthesis gas plant is directly related to the carbon efficiency of the synthesis. The scale of operation will determine the choice of technology for manufacturing synthesis gas

Choices like CO2 reforming, steam reforming and catalytic partial oxidation are quite common. Each methods have their own advantages and disadvantages depending on the scale of operation and the require properties of syngas. The combination of certain methods sometimes would give better advantages to the manufacturing of synthesis gas.

For example, CO2-reforming is rarely feasible. At the economic pressure of the synthesis gas plant (20-40 bar), CO2 reforming will result in incomplete conversion of CH4 due to thermodynamics. The process economy also depends strongly on the pressure and cost of the CO2 available. However, combined steam and CO2 reforming may result in the right stoichiometry for the MeOH synthesis. This may be feasible with natural gas containing CO2 and with cheap CO2 available.

For large-scale operation like Gas-To-Liquid (GTL) plants, autothermal reforming (ATR) is one of the preferred technologies. Recent developments include operation at low steam to carbon ratios meeting the stoichiometric requirement for methanol and FT synthesis. The development of new burner designs also ensures a safe operation and high on-stream factors. The produced synthesis gas is also completely soot-free.

Syngas will be consumed almost immediately by the manufacturer, as it is an important intermediate. The mixture of CO and H2 is used to synthesize a wide variety of hydrocarbons ranging from gases to naphtha to gas oil using Fischer Tropsch technology. It is also used for ammonia production, as synthesis gas is a major source of hydrogen.

Most of the CO2 conversion processes require high energy consumption and there is common perception that CO2 conversion would be so endothermic that its conversion is not possible. However if we compared the existing steam reforming of methane with CO2 reforming of methane, CO2 reforming of methane require only 20% more energy. If equal focus is given for the research and development in CO2 utilization, there are possibilities that we could lower down the energy needed in order for the process to be truly economical. There is also concern that the solution above focus on the natural gas industry. However, bear in mind that the natural gas industry virtually emitted all their carbon dioxide during the purification process. Carbon dioxide from other industries can also be used as injection in order to find the ideal ratio of CO/H2 for syngas production. As most sequestration process already requires CO2 capture, this does not put the CO2 utilization at the disadvantage.

The most important thing for CO2 utilization is that it requires refinement especially in the catalyst area in order for the conversion to be much more effective. Therefore instead of dismissing the CO2 utilization as possible solution to greenhouse gas mitigation, more attention should be given to the possible ways of making the processes more practical. The only thing that could make industrialized nation to be actively involved in greenhouse gas mitigation is the economics outcome. Therefore instead of forcing them to sign the Kyoto Protocol to limit the CO2 emission (which will be crippling to some industry) why not find a way to utilize CO2 into something that is much more valuable and in the long run contribute to both environment preservation and sustainable development.

Screw Convention

2005-02-07T13:12:00.000+11:00

Since everybody seems to be talking/ writing about love.. I am going to jump into the bandwagon and write something appropriately mushy, fluffy and sickeningly sweet.

okayy.. I am not against any kind of relationship, affection or things like that.. being on and off with the same person for the last 6 years do taught me that no person could be entirely alone.. It is just that I think this is the things that should not be chase like mad... I have friends who cannot live without relationship.. and for the love of god I could never understand them.. Infact I hate them.. because I think they cannot function alone and always need the reassurance of their soulmate (who then left them because they found another soulmates.. seriously how many soulmates could you have during lifetimes??).. Then they'll wail like crazy and drive me mad for interrupting my afternoon siesta..

ermm.. relationship is okay.. as long as you don't let it define your whole life.. you are first and foremost an individual.. I never believed the kind of crap where you have to take your husband name after you get marriage.. I think Nicole Kidman is much more happier as Nicole Kidman than Mrs Cruise or Mrs Kidman-Cruise...

Anyway.. as for me and Zeke.. we are more like good friend than the girlfriend-boyfriend thingy.. I still date other person during my undergrads year.. (albeit it was during our off time) and only god knows what he's up to in states.. The point is we trust each other and we always support each other.. and believe it or not he DO LIKE MY TEETH! hehehe .. we might never get a chance to marry but I know he just wants me to be happy and vice versa.. We might also just marry each other if we cannot find our so call soulmate.. we certainly have the same motivation.. and the same sick fantasy.. heheehhe.. hell maybe he is my soulmate!..

The point is having a relationship is nice.. but there is nothing wrong in not having one either.. at the end it's your choice.. don't stress about it just because it's the conventional things to do.. and there's nothing wrong on sleeping your valentines day away.. (I for one prefer that very much than dating the whole day..)

2005-02-03T20:11:00.000+11:00

The earth's climate has always been varying from one condition to another. However it has been relatively stable since the end of the last ice age which is about 10000 years ago, until now. The earth temperature has shown a dramatic increased in 20th century with 1990 as the warmest period for the past hundred years. To say that this phenomenon is cause by natural occurrence is a bit absurd since it took thousands of years for earth to phase out the ice age naturally. There must be catalysts for today’s rapid change of climate. One of the reasons is believe to be the greenhouse effect. Greenhouse gases absorb terrestrial infrared radiation as it is reflected back towards space, trapping the heat in the atmosphere. The increase of the greenhouse gases in atmosphere coincides with the industrial revolution that began circa 1700 and accelerated in the 1800s and 1900s.

The industrial revolution marks the beginning of dramatic consumption of fossil fuels (coal, oil and natural gases) by men which in turn emits higher concentration of greenhouse gases to atmosphere. Higher concentration of greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide and most man made gases will cause the so called green house effect which in turn will cause the earth's temperature to increase globally and thus changing the earth's climate. As men population increased each year, so does the emission of greenhouse gases which come from many sources including agriculture, transportation and factories that provided us with so many creature comfort.

The theory that the earth's temperature increases because of greenhouse gases is popularize by IPCC and Mann's "hockey stick" theory. Previously it was the most accepted theory regarding the temperature change. However, nowadays more people and scientists are beginning to voice out their sceptism (go here for some of it). Personally I don't really believe that greenhouse gases are the sole reason for the increase in temperature. There are a lot of factor that must be considered. Even if the greenhouse gases are responsible for the temperature increase.. what so bad about warmer temperature?? Warmer temperature actually means that more land can be use for agricultural purposes.. especially land at the northern area .. it sure could benefit countries like Sweden, Canada and most ex-USSR.

So.. do we renounce the IPCC??

Finding House

2005-01-30T18:58:00.000+11:00

I've been trying to find a new house since last week... and nothing seem to work to my satisfaction.. I already get a house with a very nice landlord (albeit that her daughter doesn't seem to like me) but if I stay there I could not attend Malaysia Hall weekly prayer and yassin recital.. damn and I promise abang sam, kak nani and all those akak2 n makcik2 that I'll go to Hall more often next semester. Besides if I stay there, my cousins who will be coming to Sydney this March cannot stay with me.. and how am I suppose to spend time with them if I have to be at the house by 8! grrr..

The only solution is that I have to apply for uni accomodation ASAP and let Mara pay for it.. isk help me GOD!

Happy Birthday To Me!

2005-01-15T19:29:00.000+11:00

Yeay! I am 25 today. I am feeling sooo good that I manage to overlook the fact that I don't have money, career and property. Anyway, woke up quite early today (before 8 hahahaha) and went to PRD to settle out the lease. All in all it work out to the satisfaction of both side.

Then off to the usual hanging place, Marrickville Metro and treat myself to avocado pasta breakfast (3.50 dollar) quite extravagant for starving student but hey! it was my birthday. After I get tired loitering, I made up my mind to have lunch at Faheem. Unfortunately, after walking for like thousand miles up the road and waiting way past the opening hour the blasted restaurant still did not opened. Walk around some more and hopped into the Opportunity Shop for Cat.. ehehhe basically it is a second hand shop for Cat Protection Agency.. bought 4 romances novel at 1 dollar each. Bargain because the books look like new and written by popular novellists (really, not the run of the mill romance books that I usually read.. ehheh). I need to take a break from all those conspiracy, horror, murder and fantasy books that have begun accumulating in my room.

Browsing here and there, get chased by a very big dog . Apparently that dog want to lick (What the hell?) me because he is quite taken with me! According to the owner I was smelling like his daughter who like to coddle the dog... (huh! must be the perfume) Thank god the owner manage to catch the dog and thus saving me from the need to purify my clothes. Take a short stop at Palace of India to buy lunch. As usual I chose large takeaway container and vegetables korma (a must, the vegetable korma is damn tasty) Second dish was butter chicken. The shopkeeper gave me 1 dollar discount.. hehe looks like loyalty paid off. Then went straight home for TV, romance novels and lazy lunch.. Well that summed up my activities for the day... Oh.. I made seafood broth for dinner.

Happy Birthday Dita!

Ramble Ramble

2005-01-11T17:12:00.000+11:00

Spend my day terrorizing Jason.. He needs my help and kept pestering me to come to the office for the rest of the week.. Each time he asked me whether I am going to come to the office for the rest of the week or not, I just said "ermmmmm... ermmmm". I am driving him crazy and I love every minutes of it. I kept bullying him to change his laptop configuration. Then at departmental lunch, Phill ask me about Federal Territories in Malaysia and I said there are three but I only remember two.. the one that I forgot was Putrajaya. I look like unpatriotic idiots at that moment.. anyway the lunch was quite nice. The best news for the day is that the department overpaid me by 120 dollars and Sally said keep it as Christmas present.. yay!

Rite now I am officially addicted to Queer As Folk... I want Ben! NCIS is nice too. Not a big fan of CSI, it get tedious watching something that you can figure out instantaneously most of the times. Nothing new. Some of the episodes are quite ok but ok is not enough for me anymore and Grissom treat everybody like shit.. what is wrong with that man anyway? Jason's Matlab programming on ocean acoustic is much more interesting and stimulating.. GMA is quite good too.. and it's not too early in the morning.

What else to ramble? oh.. read my sister comment on my previous post. Just like to say that it's not closeness between siblings that I am talking about. It is like me and my siblings were raised in different household. It is like if I want to go anywhere.. I just pack my bag and go while angah and kak in is always waiting for abg bal to go with them.. and since my big bro is always busy (especially now that he has meddling in laws) they never get to go anywhere. There are other examples on how different we are.. like when my brother get a grant to continue his study in Sweden, my sister doesn't want him to go and I think he is stupid for not going (at the end he didn't go and end up regreting it till now). Don't get me wrong, I love my siblings and I definitely love my dad (eventhough I am always at the opposite end) but I just cannot be like them. I don't want to be like them nor like my cousins.. ehhe maybe I am adopted after all (This is what kak In always claim).

what else?? Last week I went to Sydney Park, Botanical Garden, Victoria Park and Enmore Park. I wish Malaysia has this easily accessible park. There are also lots of museum in Sydney.. all in all it is a nice place but Malaysia is nicer (especially the food) and I miss my mom. Guess I just have to enjoy my time here and come back home when the time comes.

2005-01-07T10:46:00.000+11:00

Spend my New Year Eve lazing around Sydney Park waiting for the fireworks. It was quite awesome since I could see fireworks display from all places from Sydney Park. Cool but I am all alone. Sitting there surrounded with people who came with their family really make me realize how alone I am. I am always alone. My family is in Malaysia, my bestfriend is in States, my other bestfriend is dead, my friends (I don't have many by the way) mostly are in Malaysia. Even if I was in Malaysia during that particular moment, I doubt I'll be celebrating New Year Eve with them. I have 6 siblings, but none of them is really close to me. I hardly went out with them, I rather spend my day reading books in my room. I dunno why but I think it's because we approach life differently. My eldest sister has too many issues (sorry angah.. hehe), my other sister is too clingy and insecure (despite being a doctor) my elder brothers are married with family and I am just too different with my younger siblings. Angah claim that I am too independent for my own good. Is it really? I like being independent. I can go to wherever places that I want, I can eat what I want, basically I can do anything that I want.

Being alone means that you are accountable for your own action only. Living alone means you don't have to answer to anybody. You are free. Is it so wrong for me to be free? Why do society keep pushing me to conform? Does it matter that I don't have boyfriend? Does it matter that I don't really like kids? Does it matter that I want to stay here in Australia? It is not like that I am renouncing my faith, family and country, it is just that I want to do things my way.

..Asia tsunamis kill thousands ..

2004-12-29T22:27:00.000+11:00

"The world's most powerful earthquake in more than 40 years struck deep under the Indian Ocean off the west coast of Sumatra, triggering massive tsunamis that obliterated villages and seaside resorts in several countries across southern and Southeast Asia"

This may sound like unreasonable fear but Boon Yaw.. wherever you are, be safe okay.

... and the award goes to...

2004-12-27T13:33:00.000+11:00

One of my friend claim that CSI is a thinking tv series. Is it really?? Well, I beg to differ. I don't think that CSI requires a mediocre of thinking process at all. It is just a sensationalize version of forensic career. So far I never watch a TV series that require me to think. Some TV series do prompt us to think.. but after watching it.. it's more like the moral message and stuff. You think but beyond the series. But it is still good enough. Atleast it prompt you to think. TV series usually work from the emotional and psychological angle. Documentaries don't really make you think, they feed you information instead.

How about character development? IMHO most of popular TV series don't really offer much character development because it's like you have so many things to focus in 45 minutes. well maybe except tv series like the Sopranos, the Practice and Six Feet Under (and few others that I am too lazy to mention) . I like Law and Order series just because the actors look like ordinary police.. not everybody has a dark secret/background (hint: I am bashing a popular TV series). I like The Guardian because the hero is just a wrecked mess, not perfect at all (hint: I am bashing a popular TV character) and I like West Wing because believe it or not it is amusing to watch America think that they are some noble country with god given blessing to govern the whole world. However, none of my favourite series require me to think while watching it. I don't really like reality TV. Sure I watch a few reality shows, but I never dedicated my life to watch the shows every week. I watch just so I can give some comment when ppl talk about it.

So why I watch TV in the first place? Actually I don't really watch TV. Usually I just left the TV on while I read books. The reason is simple, I like background noise (note: noise not music) and if I want something challenging I just try to solve the latest math problems or play chess or try to figure out the mechanism of male population (believe me it is reallllly challenging). Life for me does not revolve around next AF season or how Rachel cut her hair or who kill who.

10 Easy Way To Help Environment

2004-12-23T09:06:00.000+11:00

1. Drive less. Maximize your vehicle's fuel efficiency. Carpool. Walk or use public transportation (however with Malaysia's public transportation, Malaysians are better off carpooling than using public transportation)

2. Eat less meat. The resource-intensive agricultural production of red meat is one of the leading causes of environmental degradation. If every family cut its consumption of red meat in half it would reduce common water pollution by 24%. Go organic

3. Conduct a home energy audit. Make your home more energy efficient and you will use less energy, produce less waste, and save money. Turn down appliances like TV, computer monitor, radio, air conditioner etc when not in used. Use energy saving appliance and light fixture

4. Use Green alternatives for household products. There are several friendly alternatives to common hazardous household products that are effective and help ensure the health of your family as well as the environment.

5. Make your yard Enviro-Friendly. Pesticide and fertilizer run-off from individual homeowners' lawns are a major source of pollution, and a threat to the water quality in our community. Maintain your yard in harmony with your local environment. Do some organic gardening at the back of your house

6. Become a green consumer. Consumer spending influences the way companies operate and the services they provide. Use your consumer dollars to influence the goods and services available in the global marketplace. Shop at your grocer around the corner than going to hypermarket.

7. Celebrate nature. Go outdoors! Connecting to nature in a personal way allows you to understand the impact individual's choices have on the environment. Often times it inspires you to be a part of an environmental solution, rather than part of the problem. Go camping but don't forget to take your trash home.

8. Volunteer. Local non-profit organizations welcome volunteers; you can meet people, have fun, and help the environment at the same time. You can meet the cutest guy and believe me they are not geek at all (think Outback Jack)

9. Let your elected officials know that the environment is important to you. VOTE! Elected Officials often times feel that citizens don't make voting decisions based on environmental issues. Let your officials know that you do, and that you vote.

10. Become an active part of the recycling triangle. Participate in all three phases of the recycling triangle: reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cut down plastic bags usage by bringing your very own backpack or reusable bag for shopping

2004-12-20T10:41:00.000+11:00

Those who,
through God's gift of music,
bring sunshine and joy
into the lives of others,
cannot help but bring
it unto themselves.

April 16th 1984 - December 25th 2003

Memories are like
the stars that shine
they last until
the end of time.

Stolen from some grave in Horsby

Reality Check

2004-12-20T10:03:00.000+11:00

Okay.. I have 28 more credits hour to finish my study. Initially I planned to finish it next semester but since I am going to take Advance GIS and Environmental Modelling I don't think that I could manage my study without compromising my average. I don't want to get a bad grade but I don't want to stay here for such a long time too. I'll almost be 26 when I come back to Malaysia. I don't want to be a 26 years old without career and essets (boyfriend is not that important). Most of people here adviced me to stay and try to find work in Australia. The idea is very interesting but I don't think my family would agree. The point is do I really have a future in Malaysia? I am a petrochemical undergrads (minor in Environment) with a Master in Engineering Studies focusing on Environment (again!). I am not some medic graduates. They can easily pull a 4k salary working in some small government hospitals while I might need to teach and do some consultation work to achieve that kind of salary. Engineers are not exactly the highest paid professional (unless for the select few like Uncle Yem). But (banyaknyee but) I don't really want to stay here.. I love Malaysia and I wish that I could contribute something to my country.. staying here won't help me helping my country... *sigh* growing up is hard.

Kickstart Aizzura!

2004-12-16T13:07:00.000+11:00

My cousin is soooo nice.
My cousin is soooooo good.
My cousin is soooooo cute!
So help her win this Kickstart thingy, watch her on 8tv, Friday (17 Dec), 9.45pm!
You can vote for her during the show (until 1.00 am that day) by typing Kickstart Aizzura and sending it to 33838!

Cheers!

It's a rainy day in Sydney

2004-12-12T15:12:00.000+11:00

It's raining right now and I am listening to Glenn Medeiros's Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You. My housemate will arrive in Sydney in a few more hours. Right now I just wanna enjoy my last few hours of solitude. Of course being alone during rainy day just give me chance to brood about everything especially about past decision and uncertain future. There were times when I throw averything away in favour of chasing uncertain future.. there were times when I want to turn back times so that I could alter my past decisions.. there were times when everything is possible yet .. nothing is possible. Right now?.. there are things that I cannot change no matter how hard I wish for it to change.

It's raining... in my heart.

Me and my unruly heart

2004-12-09T23:03:00.000+11:00

Akira is going back to Tokyo in the middle of December. I am heartbroken.

A Song For You

2004-12-08T21:07:00.000+11:00

I've been so many places in my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme

I've acted out my love in stages

With ten thousand people watching

But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be

I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see

There's no one more important to me

Darlin' can't you please see through me

Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You tought me precious secrets of the truth withholding nothing

You came out in front and I was hiding

But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together

Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time

I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine

And when my life is over remember when we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my dear friend, thank you for the wonderful time, thank you for the wonderful memories, thank you for being with me, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for lighting up my life, thank you for everything. You are one in a million and I love you just the way you are.Come back when you are ready 'cause I'll be waiting for you....

News from Sydney

2004-12-04T11:56:00.000+11:00

ok.. I am going to put my environmental obsession into hiatus as berg was complaining about it. I just ramble about a few unrelated things..

First news, Edwina send the abstract too late, therefore we cannot do a presentation at the conference.. personally I am reallllllly glad as I am not getting anywhere with the stupid EASy software. Second news, I get a high distinction for GIS.. David actually told me that it's a rarity for someone without geographical background like me to actually get high distinction. Glad to hear that, it sure means that i still have a few brain cells left that are actually not wired to chemical stuff. Third news, I found my salted duck eggs without ever going to Chinatown. Thank God for Marrickville Metro.. ok no more news..

Back to unrelated rambling, went to Lakemba yesterday. Nice but there's nothing there that I could not find in Newtown or Marrickville. Sure the halal bakery and the roasted chicken is nice, but personally I still preferred Newtown ambience. Met this hot guy who try to entice me to change from Optus to 3 with offer of two free LG handphone. Not interested. I don't need two extra handphone and I have no desire to change my phone number. Besides I don't want to contribute to exhausting earth resources. Had a talk with berg about future planning. Maybe I really need to finish my study early. Send 24 love emails to Zeke before sleeping. He replied with just one sentence 'Are you crazy or you just have nothing better to do?' ehhe stalker in the making.

Right now I am contemplating whether I should go out and buy the sweet smelling salt for my bathtub.. ermmm.. should i utilize my bathtub?? I might need a few scented candle too.. Oh new edition of Central have been circulating for a few days.. have't pick up mine yet.. need to remedy this today.. after all where else can I find the updated news about the gay scenes...

what else hah? Anthony is going to Perth and Ayer Rocks for christmas. I dunno what Grace and Andy is going to do.. As for me, maybe I just stay in my house, lazing around or crashing my neighbour's christmas party. I think I am going to Sydney Park this afternoon, just lying on the grass staring at the sun..

I should have stop reading Amy Beh column

2004-12-01T10:37:00.000+11:00

Salted Egg and Oyster Porridge

Ingredients
2 cups rice, washed
25g dried oysters, soaked and shredded
50g chicken fillet, diced
1 salted egg
1 century egg, diced
50g young ginger, finely shredded
2l water

Seasoning
1 tsp chicken stock granules
1 tsp salt or to taste
1 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp pepper
1 tsp sesame oil

Garnishing
Some chopped spring onions, chilli and shallot crisps.

Cook rice in 5 cups water until soft then drain in a colander. Meanwhile cook salted egg in boiling water for 10-15 minutes. Remove, shell then dice the salted egg. Bring 2l water to a boil in a deep pot. When water comes to a boil add the cooked rice, chicken and dried oysters. Simmer for 10-15 minutes. Season to taste. Put some shredded young ginger and a little sesame oil into each individual serving bowl. Ladle in the hot porridge and add a little of each of the salted egg and century egg. Add a sprinkling of chopped spring onions, chilli and shallot crisps.

Where can I find salted egg in Sydney??? Not the Chinatown pleaseeee.. everything is smelly.

Asam pedas, australian style

2004-11-30T09:49:00.000+11:00

Rebus lada, it is a must.. kalau tak pahit la asam pedas tu
tos and blend lada yg kita rebus tadi, guna bawang besar2 banyak sket.. like maybe dua biji kalau tak pedas gegile la asam pedas tu.. garlic sebiji dua and serbuk kunyit (leceh nak cari kunyit hidup kat sini)
tumis lada yg kite blend tadi.. pehtu bile agak dah pecah minyak.. masukkan air asam jawa.. (asam jawa senang nak dpt)
ikan.. the cheapest of course la ikan sardin.. or ikan kaler kuning (taktau ape name) or whitling.. but I discovered Hoki fillet pun bleh guna. Hoki fillet bleh dibeli dkt woolworth dgn harga 10 dollar for 1.25 kg. Nak sedap lagi, beli guna abg bal punye credit card.
Hoki fillet nie frozen, kene masak frozen, takleh thaw taktau nape.. die crumble kot nanti.. susah gak nak potong dgn pisau since it is frozen.. so patah patah kan je.. ehhehe pedulik hape aesthetic value tak penting.. rase yg penting
Masukkan ikan tadik.. after few minutes masukkan lady's finger (bloody mahal tapi bleh beli yg reject punye dkt metro grocer, still mahal gak la tapik) dgn terung.
masukkan garam sesedap rase n tunggu sampei kuah die pekat sket. jgn pepandai nak masukkan corn starch pulak.. the key word is tunggu.. no matter how much your perut is grumbling
tutup api.. cedok kuah dlm pinggan.. (make sure dlm pinggan ade nasi yg baru masak.. make sure nasi mesti fluffy)
dig in
tambah lauk.. tambah nasi.. sambung makan..

p/s it help to have a glass of ice cool water nearby.. and tv gak.

You can take the girl out of Parit Jawa, but you can't take Parit Jawa out of the said girl

2004-11-30T09:10:00.000+11:00

No matter how much time I spend at KLCC, MidValley, Myers or QVB, I am actually a small town girl at heart. I can live without all those shopping complexes, but I cannot live without my weekly dose of 434 coffee, asam pedas and god forbid, tempoyak and petai and sambal belacan.. ahahhaha hey atleast I don't eat budu. Living in Australia has taught me many things.. especially those which I took for granted before this. I used to wonder everytime berg and her family 'balik kg' just for the sake of buying fish... kat kl takde ikan ke?? Now after like 4 months of buying fish at Marrickville Metro, I really think that Pasar Parit Jawa is really the greatest in the world... tu blom includes fried banana stall dekat simpang nak pi pasar tu. Nasi ayam Kak Pah, Chakoi (is this how u spell it? oh well..) yg biler nak beli je queue die punyelah bloody panjang... lady's finger sbelah bilik air yg boleh petik2 je everytime nak masak kuah pedas, berkat yg abah tapau every friday nite (lepas nie dah takyah rebut dgn Ali, he's on diet forever), my room with all its' guilty pleasure (not gonna tell), masakan angah, cool shower (not like OZ extreme shower temp), halal food, mamat hensem dkt kedai handphone, baker's cottage dekat astaka, popia kecik and macam-macam lagilah.. of course Australia has its fair share of goodness, like superfast internet tho it is only a dialup, good public transportation, abundance of adult shop (which berg tak sabar2 nak pegi), mamat hensem dkt kedai ikan and healthy level of respect for other ppl privacy ( tadelah makcik2 yg ske anyam ketupat tu) .. tapi bak kate pepatah 'hujan emas di negeri org, baik lagi hujan batu di negeri sendiri' I am so definitely going to be back in Malaysia next year. By hook or by crook I must raye dekat Malaysia next year... which brings me to my next question... should I have my graduation here or in Spore??

Friday presentation and whatnot

2004-11-28T16:28:00.000+11:00

I had a presentation on Friday.. at first it was supposed to be the supplementary presentation only.. That's why I agreed to do it in the first place.. but it turn out that there was only one presenter, me! argh.. the audiences, civil engineering's dean, my proff (otg director), one professor who I didn't really catch his area of expertise and two ppl from some big shot company.. atleast that's what I remember.. I think my presentation sucked big time because I am totally unprepared... however before the actual presentation, I did a mock presentation in my office and Anthony did say that it was a very good presentation with cool slides and all (by the way.. there are only 10 slides.. heheh).. but that's not what I want to blog about today.. actually after my mock presentation, I had a talk with Anthony and we sort of talked about ocean nourishment and G-Nux group.. Then he mentioned about lake enrichment in Canada.. which I know nothing at all in the first place.

Lake enrichment is a salmon habitat restoration and enhancement technique that has been used by the Department of Fisheries and Oceans since the early 1970's to improve the freshwater rearing conditions of wild sockeye salmon. Nutrients are added to the surface waters of selected lakes during the growing season to increase the amount of plankton food for juvenile salmon . The objective is to increase the growth and survival of the sockeye salmon in freshwater, which results in improved marine survival and increased numbers of returning adults.

Young sockeye salmon feed on small animals (zooplankton) that in turn feed on microscopic plants (phytoplankton). Like any plants, phytoplankton need nutrients and light for growth. Phytoplankton growth rates are limited by the amount of nutrients in the surface waters of the lakes. By making small, regular additions of nutrients throughout the growing season, phytoplankton growth rates are increased and more food is available for the zooplankton. More zooplankton means more food for the young sockeye. The result is better growth for the sockeye and higher survival rates both in the lake and after they migrate to sea. Increased survival rates increase the number of adult sockeye that will return to the lakes to spawn.

go here for better understanding of ocean enrichment.

http://www-heb.pac.dfo-mpo.gc.ca/facilities/lep_e.htm <-- babed you should read this!

After Anthony showed me the graph of Salmon production in the respective lake.. I begun to have second thought.. Ocean nourishment is quite similiar to lake enrichment.. the different is just the location (ocean versus lake). Maybe ocean nourishment can really increase the depleted ocean resources but I still don't think that it is the answer for carbon dioxide mitigation. However which one is much more important? more fish or mitigating CO2? I'll say that more fish is important.. so what's the solution? proceed with ocean nourishment while try to find another way to mitigate CO2? I leave it to all of you to decide.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzz

2004-11-25T03:13:00.000+11:00

Mengantuk! Berg just sms'ed me. She's on her way to becomes a celebrity.. while I am stuck here lusting after Akira from afar.. it's unfair!

Global impact of changes in terrestrial nutrient fluxes to the ocean

2004-11-24T22:08:00.000+11:00

Nutrient availability is a key control of ocean carbon cycling and atmospheric CO2 . Rivers and groundwater discharge are major sources of nutrients to coastal waters. Studies so far focused on quantifying riverine fluxes of nutrients and deriving empirical relationships between these fluxes and possible controlling factors.

Large rivers are a primary interface between terrestrial and ocean environments. At large rivers-ocean interface, freshwater discharge dominates over tidal and other effects, resulting in freshwater and riverine dissolved and particulate matter being directly injected over shelf waters. Within these plumes, a number of physical and biogeochemical processes affect the fate of riverine matter over a highly variable time and space scales. Regional impacts are enhanced because many of the world's large rivers discharge between 30 degree North to 30 degree South, thus into permanently stratified and oligotrophic areas of the world ocean.

The above mentioned facts is a part of the G-Nux project which is proposed by a Holland based team. To put it simply, they are trying to find ways to understand the natural process of ocean nourishment. It is like this, natural fertilization of land occured from the nitrogen that is naturally inside the earth and those that is absorb from atmostphere (usually it is nitrate/urea) while ocean is being nourished by rivers and groundwater discharge. Rivers and groundwater discharge contains nutrients vital to the ocean habitat. A large river-ocean interphase will resulted in a large plume where the nutrient is directly injected into the ocean.

The different between the G-Nux project and Ocean Nourishment project is that the G-Nux wants to control/understand the ocean fertilization process because they are concerned with the impact to the environment while the Ocean Nourishment team wants to introduce a man-made fertilizer into the ocean. Basically both teams want what they think is the best for earth but they actually did it from the opposite way. One of the G-Nux project is to evaluate the global impact of natural and human-induced changes in terrestrial nutrient fluxes from rivers and groundwater on nearshore and oceanic C, N and P cycles on decadal to millennial time scales. If they successfully proven that human-induced changes could be detrimental to the ocean environment, Ocean Nourishment effort for the last 12 years could be futile. Still both party major concern is the possibilities of the ocean to act as sink.

The G-Nux team research:

PhD project 1. Nutrient dynamics in large river basins (Physical Geography)

Aim: to analyse, model and identify the major controls of the transport of N and P from point and diffuse emission sources through selected major river basins towards the coastal zone.

Approach: establishment of a Geographical Information System (GIS) for a set of well-documented river systems, development of a spatially-distributed process-based model using PCRaster, assessment of the sensitivity of total annual nutrient fluxes to global change.

Postdoc project. Global nutrient fluxes at the land-ocean interface: quantification and analysis of controls (Physical Geography)

Aim: to estimate global, spatially-explicit river and groundwater fluxes of nutrients (N, P and Si) to the coastal zone, and to assess the response of these fluxes to global change.

Approach: extrapolation of regional data to the global scale using global databases and modeling.

PhD-project 2. Regional impact of changes in terrestrial nutrient fluxes to coastal waters (Geochemistry)

Aim: to develop a generic, regional coastal zone model to assess the impact of human-induced changes in riverine and groundwater nutrient inputs on regional coastal nutrient and carbon cycling. The model should also form the basis for a coastal zone module in an Earth System Model.

Approach: extension of existing biogeochemical models describing coastal zone nutrient dynamics and assessment of the sensitivity to changes in nutrient fluxes.

PhD-project 3. Global impact of changes in terrestrial nutrient fluxes to the ocean (Geochemistry)

Aim: to evaluate the global impact of natural and human-induced changes in terrestrial nutrient fluxes from rivers and groundwater on nearshore and oceanic C, N and P cycles on decadal to millennial time scales.

Approach: modification of existing box models and global oceanic circulation models for C and nutrient cycling in the oceans and assesment of the sensitivity to changes in global nutrient cycles.

If I am going to do my PHD under the G-Nux team, I'll probably choose project 1. I might change my mind because next semester I am going to take environmental modelling and if I could ace the course, I'll most probably want to do project 2. However no matter what project you choose, a good perception in environmental modelling is a must. They are a few software out there that is used for environmental modelling. The most extensive one is GIS (most probably because they have a verrrrrrryyy large database). I also think that it is good to have knowledge on remote sensing stuff like MODIS, Seawift etc etc (especially those focusing on coastal area)

Those interested could read Dagg et al 2004. I don't have a copy of this document, but you could probably find it in the internet. For those who doesn't know C, N and P stand for Carbon, Nitrogen and Phosphate. Nitrogen is the limiting reactant for ocean absorption of carbon dioxide.

Babed, did I answer your question?? *sigh* you just turn me into an environmental freak!

Me and fire alarm

2004-11-20T10:42:00.000+11:00

I seem to be attracting smoke alarms since I came to Oz. Seem like some kind of cosmic joke to me. The first incident is of course the (in)famous toaster accident at Malaysia Hall. The second one is at Madsen Building where I took my GIS classes. Though it is not my fault, it still give me the shudder as it happened exactly after I finished using the microwave that I am not supposed to use. The latest one is yesterday, while I am in the office. Apparently somebody thought it is funny to punch the alarm while I am standing directly under the alarm. Gah! the bonus thing is that in all three incident, all the firemen are as handsome as brad pitt or CK underwear model or better.. ehehehehehe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~EASY Software which is not easy at all~

I am currently doing a project using EASY software. A similar package to GIS but focusing on coastal/ocean area. It is not easy at all to use and it really drive me crazy.. and nobody in Sydney Uni knows how to use it, except me! To quote what Ian said yesterday "You are the expert here, nobody else knows how to use it" I am so 'bersabar dgn all these Mat Salehs' thankfully I am being tutored by Dale Kiefer from USC through email but it still doesn't help much. The software itself is still in development stage, no proper manual, no proper help file and full with bug. I am working extra time for this.. + everybody is waiting for me to help them with their project! I was like 'Give me a break guys! This is my first time using Easy too!' but then it is a wonderful experience because I get to get involve with something from development stage (EASY) and to develope something from scratch (Morocco fish growth modelling) + I get pay for it and I might be given a chance to do a presentation in Canberra. Life is wonderful... for the time being atleast.

Blogging just for the sake of blogging

2004-11-19T13:46:00.000+11:00

Spend the last two days helping Intan packing and getting underfoot and annoying her and just hanging around with her. They (the juniors) are going back to Malaysia for summer holiday. By next Monday I'll be all alone in Newtown, Sydney. Tomorrow I am going to spend my day reorganizing my stuff and maybe buying a TV.. maybe!

I get an email from David yesterday, apparently I get a very good grade for GIS. Hopefully the grade will stay after board meeting and I'll get high distinction for it. Spend my afternoon at Paddy's looking at souvenir and end up buying a new shirt and a new bag. My Polo bag is already torn and there are splotches of ink all over the bag. It's about time I get a new bag. As for the shirt, I've been eyeing (is this the correct term?) it for the past several weeks... at last I caved in to temptation and end up buying it.

Gonna racun Intan and the geng to bypass the engineering dinner and play masak-masak at my house today. I am gonna miss them when they are back in Malaysia.. *sigh* .

In response to what Babed wrote in her blog

2004-11-19T01:54:00.000+11:00

when I first come to sydney.. my lec abg Halim meet me at his office. He's doing his PHD here. I had a talk with him and suddenly he asked me 'Hidayah what do you want in your life?' I was so dumbfounded and totally cannot answer his Q. Then a few days ago my proff Ian said.. 'Hidayah, you are thinking of saving the whole world, while it is a noble idea I don't think any human being is capable of doing that' ... am I subconciously trying to save the world? I don't know. At first I don't really care but after I read Bird's blog, I've been thinking really hard. What really is the purpose of me being here on earth? I am suppose to do some good deeds, rite? but looking back at my life, I never really did something that I can really be proud off. I never save a drowning person, I never do some charity works, I never donate kidney, I never touch any people life.. I can't even offer support to my siblings when my mother died because of cancer.. because all these time I've been busy surviving.. maybe I should set my priority right after this. Maybe I need a counselor or maybe I need to grow up.

Ocean Nourishment Theory

2004-11-14T20:52:00.000+11:00

The reason I am not going back to Malaysia for Eid, apart from the mentioned reason in previous post, is that I am going to do a project for Sydney Uni, doing something that I totally don't know about.. the EASY modelling for ocean nourishment group. I don't really know why my lecturer ask me to do it.. when I obviously don't agree with his research about ocean nourishment...

okay.. the ocean nourishment theory

1. Phytoplankton at the upper ocean level remove CO2 from atmosphere by photosynthesis
2.The photosynthesis activity is limited by the availability of Nitrogen
3. So....... a plant is build to supply nitrogen to ocean...
4. Phytoplankton happily absorb more CO2 as now the limiting reactant is in abundance
5. More phytoplankton means more fish and other crustacean (i.e lobster.. ahh)
6.Extra fish means we could feed the ever growing human population ( and berg, of course)
7. And also more CO2 is sequestered in the ocean.. (as usual, to satisfy kyoto protocol)

yerp.. kill two birds with one stone. Theoretically, it is very very beautiful. Logically? I don't know. The reasons why I don't really agree is that they are disturbing the natural cycle. When you introduce something that is not there in the first place.. you are disturbing the natural cycle. Basically you are POLLUTING no matter how noble the initial reason might be. Apart from that there must be reasons why nature limit the nitrogen content in the first place. Who knows maybe the phytoplankton will mutate due to the increase nitrogen and gobble all the fish (and lobster)? Anyway maybe I am bias as I prefer the idea of CO2 utilization for GHG mitigation but I really think that the answer for GHG mitigation is not that simple. Maybe it would help but I still think that that's not really the answer. To force big companies/countries to mitigate CO2, the real solution is to make the activities much more profitable... ocean nourishment may have extra perks but it is not really profitable in term of monetary value. You do the math, and evaluate it yourself.. it is a material world afterall.

*sigh* My proff spend the last 12 years of his life doing this... who am I to refute his work?

For more info go to www.otg.usyd.edu.au

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

2004-11-13T22:41:00.000+11:00

First time I celebrate Eid without my family. I can't really describe my feeling. Sad? No. Happy? Don't think so.. No feeling. Truth is I stop celebrating Eid when my mother pass away just a week before Eid in 2001. Actually I am glad that this time I am in Australia. It make the pain of losing my mother during Ramadan bearable. Though Intan never cease her crying (and I bet she's still crying while I am writing this) ...everything seem so much more bearable..

Happy Eid Al Mubarak everybody. Don't forget to ask forgiveness from your parents..

back to environmental issues.. I admit that;

2004-11-02T15:26:00.000+11:00

I do not eat caviar because of the way they beat the sturgeon to get the roe..
I do not agree with the mass slaughtering of the seal pups just so human could have the skin/fur
I carry backpack to mall because I don't want to use plastic bags. Plastic bags kill turtle.
Unlike some people... I try to conserve energy/water even though I don't have to pay for it

..........

Hah? I started this thinking that there are a whole bunch of things that I could list but.. turns out that there are only four.. damn.

in response to what berg wrote in her blog

2004-11-02T15:05:00.000+11:00

well.. I am not an easy person to live with either.. family traits kot?

2004-10-29T13:04:00.000+10:00

~Fly~

Hilary Duff

In a moment, everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulder

For a minute, all the world can wait

Let go of your yesterday

Can you hear it calling

Can you feel it in your soul

Can you trust this longing

And take control

Fly

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away

You can shine

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

And start to try

Cause it's your time

Time to fly

All your worries, leave them somewhere else

Find a dream you can follow

Reach for something when there's nothing left

And the world's feeling hollow

Can you hear it calling

Can you feel it in your soul

Can you trust this longing

And take control

Fly

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away

You can shine

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

And start to try

Cause it's your time

Time to fly

And when you're down and feel alone

Just wanna run away

Trust yourself and don't give up

You know you're better than anyone else

In a moment, everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulders

For a minute, all the world can wait

Let go of yesterdays

Fly

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away

You can shine

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

And start to try

Cause it's your time

Time to fly

In a moment, everything can change

I hate the world!

2004-10-28T03:56:00.000+10:00

I detest putting my emotion into words because it is so difficult! Most of the times my emotion is just a jumble of things that even I fail to recognize.. I am incapable of feeling one true emotion at one time.. well except when I am mad.. then it will be pure madness... *sigh*

Assignment... assignment... assignment..

2004-10-26T21:04:00.000+10:00

Ahaah went for field trip last Monday.. Can't believe my ears when Andy cracked a joke at something that I said.. huu?? spend the rest of the day on cloud nine.. hehehe. Anyway after that I just walked home with Faith in tow.. spend the rest of the afternoon gossiping with her.. all in all the day was quite nice..

Wrapping up the Environmental Decision Making assignment today.... I just plain don't care anymore.. hopefully I'll get more than 60 for the overall marks.. Groupwork suck.. big time! Have to start on GHG assignment straightaway.. ermm.. not in d mood actually.. maybe I'll do it on Thursday and Friday..

oh now Ian calls me Nellie.. There's no way I'll let Andy calls me Nellie too. I hate that name..

Chatting with my cupcake somemore.. he's depressed too.. Atleast I am not the only one disillusioned with life.. ahh Misery do love company.. hehe

"Knowing that you'd die one day...gives you the courage to live your own life." Homura, Gensoumaden Saiyuki, Vol. 12, Ep. 50

I really hope that I am living the kind of life that I want..

... cupcake anyone?..

2004-10-24T13:04:00.000+10:00

Receive an email from my lecturer saying that he has some important stuff to discuss with me. Most probably he wants to discuss about some project that he wants me to do.. I don't really care about the project.. if he really wants me to do it.. I'll do it but if he really think that he can convert me into believing that ocean nourishment is the answer for the global warming.. well he is in for the biggest disappointment in his life.. I don't even believe that global warming happen.. and if it do happen I don't really care.. maybe I'll be alarm if suddenly Singapore sink and become the "lost world of Singapore" much like the atlantis .. but i don't see the likelihood of something like this happen and thus making global warming not so threatening..

.. ehhehe for all my ranting above.. I'll probably do the project because it will give me the opportunity to sneek a peek at Andy everyday. Give me a break.. just tell me where can you find a cute and soft spoken Chinese guy with a brilliant mind and high level of tolerance for narcissistic like me?? and he speaks good english.. and he smokes. Call me demented but one of the reason i like him is because he smokes.. reallllllly turn me on..

Anyway.. the point is I like Andy.. but I like somebody else even more.. and if this demented guy doesn't tell me what's his intention ASAP.. I'm gonna catch this damn tutor of mine.. throw him in the sack.. bring him back to Malaysia and start producing mini-Andy..

So my cupcake.. wanna tell me what exactly u want from me???

Tell people that u do care

2004-10-23T15:58:00.000+10:00

When my mother died, people kept asking whether I'm okay or not. The answer was always the same... 'I'm okay, don't worry'. The truth is I was not okay.. and I am still not okay despite the 3 years that already past. Infact I get angrier with each passing days. You see my mother died because of cancer. She gave up at the last stage of her life. She simply stopped fighting and I swear to god I saw her welcoming death every time I look at her face. Each and everyday I have been asking myself why did she gave up? Didn't she love us anymore? But now I have been asking myself why am I so angry in the first place?

When my mother was sick, she missed my sister's graduation and was very sad because of it, so I made a promise that she will attend my graduation and I'll make her new silk "baju kurung". But then two years later, I found myself standing in front of my graduation hall complete with all graduation paraphernalia with my father and my siblings sans my mother. Is this the reason that turned me into an angry and bitter young lady? No.

The real reason I am so angry is that I never told her how much I love her. Even when she was sick I cannot bring myself to say it. I kept all this at the back of my head until one day I had a talk with my brother and wonder of all wonder he said this "I never told mom I love her"... I was so dumbfounded. Then it begins to dawn on me that perhaps none of my siblings (there are seven of us) ever told her how much we love her. We are never vocal about our feelings and we definitely never hug each other. Hell, I never hug my father either. We were simply raised that way. What made me feel worse is that among our family, I am touted as the coldest. One of my cousins even accused me once that she believed I don't have any feeling whatsoever... I can't remember what kind of answer that I gave... but maybe it was along the line 'I hate you.. isn't that some kind of feeling?'

So here I am now.. all I have left is my mother's last birthday card that I forgot to send, her death certificate and a wishful feeling that I should have told her how much she meant to me and how much I love her .

Somebody asked me this question

2004-10-22T09:03:00.000+10:00

"Don't you care that your child might not get to see the blue whale, the elephant, the tiger etc.. etc..?"

Do I care? No. I never get to see dinosaurs and I live just fine. My children could watch the cockroaches!

Adaptation

2004-10-22T09:01:00.000+10:00

Should we spend our money trying to prevent global warming or should we put it in a trust fund so that when the time comes we could use it to help human adapt?

Tough question.

I like the adaptation idea.. after all isn't that what human being always do? We are condition to adapt .. to whatever change that might occur.. this is our survival method.. but if I said it aloud my lecturer might ask me a string of questions that will further expose my un"caring'ness .. sigh.. look like I have to settle down as the resident hypocrite bastard .. at least until the end of this semester..

The strange twist of fate..

2004-10-22T08:58:00.000+10:00

I wrote about something that I don't really believe in my last assignment, ironically Andy gave me full mark for that.. heh! I can't even convince myself and yet I managed to convince him… Funny isn't it that me the least caring of all end up taking an environmental course.. trying to save the world.. This is so un me. I feel like a complete hypocrite bastard when I wrote my conclusion... but then as long as I get a good grade who cares rite?

First post

2004-10-19T14:07:00.000+10:00

I would like to thank the Academy.. whoopss wrong event.. the truth is i want to thank my ever wonderful cousin who set all this blog thingy for me.. Thanks lula!